into muslim territory (send my widow a corsage)
i'm neither a husband nor do i play one on tv therefore i'm in the perfect situation to enter the southernmost island of mindanao (stay with me here). of the philippines' terrorist problems, most of them originate from the muslim extremists on mindanao. problems ranging from passenger ferry bombings to kidnappings for ransom. known terrorists groups include abu sayyaf and the moro islamic liberation front - more commonly known as "MILF". to attempt the most obvious joke, i haven't touched a girl since germany's helmut kohl administration so an encounter with a particularly attractive member of milf may give me a chance to "reset my clock" so to speak, to the G. Bush II administration.
on 6 non-consequtive occasions, i've been ejected from young republicans' meetings due to my sublime levels of jingoism and national pride, as well as my flawed logic and supercilious attitude. however, no muslim's gonna kidnap this red-blooded, NRA card carryin', weight-liftin', mcdonald's eatin' yankee! and who better to deploy travel into a muslim dominated area than me... because as we all know, those muslim asses certainly won't kick themselves.
my country tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee i sing...
it pays handsomely to be this talented and to own an extremely large pair of permanently engorged buttocks. it also pays to travel with an israeli sack who can secure laboriously won deals at 5 star resorts. but i have an inkling he unintentionally compromised himself and/or his morals to the local filipino workers to finalize the transaction. at least that's what his bloody face and shredded underwear implied to me. there also seems to be evidence he may have unleashed the israeli "knesset death knell," something Lior picked up during his compulsory israeli army service. nonetheless, i've yet again leached off the hard work of others to make a reality, my dream of effortlessly clawing my way up the social ladder.
aside from the forced Billy Madison reference, i suppose it'd be wise to describe wtf a "boracay" is for those of you not in the know. 2 months in the philippines and nearly every filipino i've met asked if i'd been to boracay island. turns out, boracay is the island paradise touted as the philippines' premiere destination, kinda like the phuket of thailand. oh, you haven't been to thailand? perhaps a better analogy is the hawaii of america. oh, you haven't been to hawaii either. let's try, the jersey shore of new jersey minus the wife-beatered guidos. if you're not familiar with the jersey shore, i won't bother attempting to compare boracay with the bed of thejerk's bedroom.