slumming at a 5 star resort (don't be hatin')

bearded tom hanks approves! it pays handsomely to be this talented and to own an extremely large pair of permanently engorged buttocks. it also pays to travel with an israeli sack who can secure laboriously won deals at 5 star resorts. but i have an inkling he unintentionally compromised himself and/or his morals to the local filipino workers to finalize the transaction. at least that's what his bloody face and shredded underwear implied to me. there also seems to be evidence he may have unleashed the israeli "knesset death knell," something Lior picked up during his compulsory israeli army service. nonetheless, i've yet again leached off the hard work of others to make a reality, my dream of effortlessly clawing my way up the social ladder.

to make a long story short, we went out to a bar, met a group of american medical volunteers staying at Friday's Boracay Resort... yada yada yada... then mopped up the "accident" next to the toilet... yada yada yada... now i'm staying in an unoccupied room at Friday's and ~~underwearless~~ pantsless nearly 80% of the time.

Friday's Boracay is a swanky, upscale joint located towards the upper end of Boracay's White Beach, where classy people like me rightfully belong. to occupy the upper echelons of the social elite is a blood right that came the instant i muddled thru an examination and was sworn in as an american citizen. damn right i deserve my self-righteous freedom and the right, no, the duty to grow obese at an exponential rate; i took a test!

sure, the 2 days spent at Fridays cost, in incidentals, nearly double what we were paying elsewhere but who can say no to a 750 pesos (US$ 14) sushi buffet that's A.Y.C.E.S (all you can eat, sucka!). but take it from me, filling your stomach full of 4 plates of sushi, 2 plates of western fare and 3 cakes, 4 plates of mangos and 3 coffees for dessert may sound tempting but you'll pay for it tenfold in glorious discomfort and noxious anal emissions (aka "fun clouds").

did i mention the free wireless internet that comes with a ~~paid~~ free stay at the resort. after 2 days though, all i had to show for my boracay visit was crusty dribble of gravy on my chin and countless crumbs covering nearly my entire laptop. well that and over 3GB of newly downloaded pornography. thank you Fridays Boracay. (tear rolling down my cheek... sniffling) thank you.

that's wendi from SF, part of the volunteering crew. she hates jews and korean americans. so do i, my friend. so do i.

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