first off, i preface this by saying not all filipinos are insane, just the ones i run into on a daily basis. most speak perfect english so it's not an issue of a language barrier. there's clearly some disconnect within their brains and the reasonable conclusions they should draw. observe:
unless you've been living in a cave, you've heard of the schapelle corby fiasco. long story short, the australian national was found guilty of smuggling drugs into indonesia. i don't smuggle drugs or anything but perhaps a more aggressive customs official may interpret the gigabytes of pornography on my laptop as an attempt to sell and distribute my "stash". hardly the case but i'd be loathe to spend time in jail for a "crime" all men are commit, to varying degrees. (e.g. harish owns a separate computer for his collection)
Continue reading "schapelle corby and transporting pornography" »
compared to the other southeast asian countries, the philippines is turning out to be quite spendy mostly in hotel costs. accomodations are running at about $10 per night which may sound like little but when the rest of southeast asia's guesthouses run only $4 on average, this is a fortune. as a result, i've increased my traveling speed to "breakneck velocity" enabling me to return to manila without having to panhandle for change towards the end of my clockwise loop around luzon. gone also are 5-6 ice coffee/diet coke breaks and the peace of mind knowing i don't have to count my pesos when i eat or take transportation. on the bright side, i get to eat a lot more mcdonald's value meals which are not only delicious but one of the more filling and affordable meals all over luzon. thanks ronald, you've saved me once again.
good guess but no, that's not the number of chicks i've boned - in the past week. sadly, you divide that number by 10,000 and you get the number of chicks i've boned - in my life. subtract 1 and you get the most scientifically correct answer to the number of chicks i've boned in my life. have the definition of "boned" encompass arousal during women's ncaa volleyball on ESPN2 and we're back up to 10,000.
some come to the philippines for the cheap hookers and $0.25 beers, other's for the abundance of american chain restaurants and the various comforts of home... i come for all of the above.
it's unbearably hot, the beach here is filthy and there are far too many annoying chinese tourists yelling talking loudly to each other. i've lounged around in this town for an entire week waiting for the appearance of leatherback turtles that give birth on the beach then scurry away from her young like the syrian nightmare's deadbeat mother (the one that cooks us syrian food is an android replica that has mastered the art of flaky baklava). the problem is, as a result of the tides, turtles often visit only after 1AM standad malaysian time.
i've lost all recollection of the meaning of dates and days. as of the perhentian islands, i've begun down a shame spiral of beach locales that'll end only when i'm done seeing the philippines 7000+ islands. and whatever weight (ill-gotten or otherwise) i've lost from sickness will reappear 4-fold from laying lazily in hammocks for the next 6 months or until death, whichever comes first. go to a filipino beach and if someone's active and playfully frolicking in the water, that isn't me. find a green hammock under the inconceivable strain of a stereotypically obese american and you've found your fat-bastard (or more politically correctly phrased, fat man of dubious lineage).
i'd declared the summer of 2003, "the summer of shirtlessness." it was an extremely hard task to achieve but i now go out on a limb and declare the second half of 2005, "the half-year of shirtlessness and sloth." i'll nipple everyone into achieving world peace even if it means a higher risk of melanoma and a greater incidence of women turning lesbian. upon my death, i simply wanna be known as the most shirtless guy in history. indigenous "backward" tribes may have a head start but those little gnomes only live on average until they're 23. when future generations remember my name, i want them to wistfully utter, "wow, that guy sure was shirtless!" wiping a tear-drop from their watery eyes.
a bit more unachievable perhaps but i'll include the footnote of 2005 being the year that i touch a girl as i'm unintentionally working on a record for most consecutive years without the natural engorgement induced by a live 3rd party. lamentably, both my 40gb laptop or daily self-flagellation doesn't count.
what date is it anyway?
11 days spent on the perhentian islands on the east coast of malaysia. like a bizarro world, here on perhentian, the local malaysian man gets plenty of caucasian (mostly naive scandinavian) action. these beach boys lack anything resembling substance proving a scathing indictment on the susceptibility of foolish western women that fall prey for the "hey, where from?" malaysian pickup line. clumsy intercourse ensues.
it took 2 mcdonald's value meals and 4 pizza hut pepperoni pan 'zas to heal me. and with a flush of the toilet, i'm better than ever - physically at least. i haven't had a better bowel movement since i ate that unbelievably spicy vindaloo curry in london that allowed me to leave a memorable mark on one of historic london's unfortunate toilets. with every meal i eat in a foreign land, factoring in my love for the spicy foods, i leave myself open to being burned twice. now i can pinpoint the original sickness from one of my only 2 meals i ate in thailand: ice coffee or pad see ewe. i treat them both so well and that's how they pay me back. i'm not sure where my rambling is going so i'll just cut it off right now but for those that had claims on my property when i'm dead, you'll have to continue waiting.
Continue reading "physical sickness gone, mental retardation persists" »
I'm holed up in a city called Kota Bharu, on the mainland just across from the islands i'm supposed to be enjoying were it not for my mystery disease.
After 2 weeks of persistent misery, i finally broke down and went grudgingly to the hospital. they did the usual barrage of blood tests and to my disappointment, i don't have either dengue fever or typhoid. to have one of those would've been a welcome relief to the unknown sickness i've had for the past 2 weeks.
while in the hospital, i received a topical fever remedy lubed gently onto my sphincter by a muslim nurse. i haven't had a gooey finger up my bunghole since high school home economics class, which much like the muslim nurse experience, i did not dislike. i just wish she'd call me, that's all. is it wrong to wanna be loved after being sodomized?
look, i have nothing more to say unless you want me to get into detail on my daily cold sweats or sleeping in more pools of bodily excretions.
if i do make it over to perhentian islands, eventually, i'll have no internet access so you'll have to make due with a stale site until i return. them's the breaks.
pray for a swift death. i think it's the least i deserve for all my charitable works and lavish gift giving in the community.