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October 13, 2005

an exclusive scoop on

john mccain (R-Arizona) will be our next president. you heard it hear on first.

sure, i've been wrong about Slovodan Milosevic being a great guy and helium being the first element in the atomic chart but i'm putting my good name on the line for this one. Mccain 2008!

October 06, 2005

classifieds, again

thanks to dan "pipe cleaner" woods for one of the few funny email forwards i've received this year. i take back my estonian orthodox hex i placed on your future children... look, when i say stop touching me, you'd better stop touching me!

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September 08, 2005

random news summaries

Large condoms for S African men A range of extra-large condoms has been launched in South Africa, to cater for "well-endowed" men.
in related news, XX-Large condom for Korean-American man traveling the Philippines... to use as a makeshift raincoat and little more.

S Korean dies after games sessionA South Korean man has died after reportedly playing an online computer game for 50 hours with few breaks.

is anyone actually surprised by this? it's well known and accepted that the sexually repressed sublimate the burning in their loins with vigorous sessions of online gaming and/or buying entire collections of hello kitty dolls. wait, that's the japanese, not koreans. my apologies.

Mascots Facing a Ban (nytimes requires registration)The N.C.A.A. exempted Florida State from a ban against using Indian mascots in the postseason after an appeal by the university and the Seminole Nation

in the article there's a reference to "hostile and abusive mascots" that exposes a painful scar for me. as a youth, i attended a local parochial school's basketball game. after halftime and a few wine coolers later, i was being molested by the Don Bosco Friar. to this day, i can't look at an oversized mascot the same way without becoming engorged.

... sorry, i needed a moment. okay, anyway. no statement yet released from animal groups protesting college nicknames including the georgia bulldogs or arcadia university cockerels (previously known as beaver college, fittingly a formerly all women's college).

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August 19, 2005

S Korea unveils first dog clone

S Korea unveils first dog clone (BBC) Scientists in South Korea have produced the first dog clones, they report in Nature magazine this week.

oh the pain this caused my small palpitating korean heart. with a well known reputation that the koreans have and with all the other animals out there, why did they have to be first to clone a dog? it's like if germans were to invent an innovative oversized oven that's able to fit humans of various religions. couldn't the koreans just have done the work and accidentally dropped the results at a chinese or vietnamese scientist's home?

ok, after a week of brooding, i've prepared myself for it... c'mon, bring on the food shortage jokes. if only we can defray the mockery by helping the arabs clone sheep. i mean sexier than the ones they have now that also have the ability to give and take a quality reach-around.

in other news: in the works, a new tagalog version (now with more adobo)

July 24, 2005

schapelle corby and transporting pornography

unless you've been living in a cave, you've heard of the schapelle corby fiasco. long story short, the australian national was found guilty of smuggling drugs into indonesia. i don't smuggle drugs or anything but perhaps a more aggressive customs official may interpret the gigabytes of pornography on my laptop as an attempt to sell and distribute my "stash". hardly the case but i'd be loathe to spend time in jail for a "crime" all men are commit, to varying degrees. (e.g. harish owns a separate computer for his collection)

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May 31, 2005

HK reporter spying, China says

yeah, i know, most of you ignorant sausages don't give a flying poo about current events but the commentary i bring today involves nothing you'd expect. i will not bash china for their petulant, undemocratically elected government whose idea of foreign politics is tit-for-tat statesmanship and infantile public declarations. no, i'm not going to drone at length about china's juvenile statements aimed at the US that declare, in essence, "china will not revalue their yuan or change their policies upon the pressure of outside nations" while hypocritically placing demands for japan's prime minister to stop visiting a controversial japanese war memorial and to rewrite japanese text books. no, the chinese don't all have horrible personal hygiene and appear as if they'd woken up from an all night meth bender as they yell out their orders for KFC bucket meal #2.

HK reporter spying, China says, reports BBC news, reported through me.

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May 30, 2005

"San Francisco hosts self-pleasure marathon"

day 6 and my body is torn to shreds. i'm sooo c-c-cold. but on a lighter note:

this article shows another reason why i never truly belonged in San Francisco. call me crazy but i tend to keep my "munchkin punching" habits to more secluded areas, like my grandma's dark linen closet or the bathroom at the local Arby's down the street.

i imagine it'd be difficult to perform under such close scrutiny but if i know anything about SF and the deviant lumberjacks fresh off their recent back shavings that attend these events, the pressure could be prohibitive. the scene will look as such: 200 overweight, burly men naked only from the waste down pumping away vigorously while awkwardly glancing into each others' eyes to monitor the competition. those going for longest duration have their work cut out for them. the real challenge would be to release your love batter as quickly as possible under such a harsh and inhospitable environment.

san franciscans sicken me but if anyone happens to be at the event, send me some polaroids! party time!

May 25, 2005

more on some perfect weenies

i'm as sick as a dog right now... it could've been anything i ate or didn't eat but nearly all signs point to the last batch of pad see ewe chicken's undercooked fowl. but in keeping with my new chinese new year's resolution, i'm trying to post once a day and further enrich your miserable lives with no brainer observations and half-witted travel tales. enjoy:

ny times hot dog issue

makes me wanna brave the daily NYC knife fights just to get my hands on some gorgeous sweaty wieners. the hot dogs look delicious too.

time to go die.

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