the past month's jaunt saw me finish the island of Luzon, the largest island in the Philippine archipelago. i can now cross off one of the items on my before-i-croak to-do list: use the word archipelago in a coherent sentence without referring to alaska. one island down 7106 to go. technically, although i didn't step foot on them, i attempted to go to the hundred islands national park. 7106 7006 islands to go.

i leave manila tomorrow to continue my search for the perfect, least touristed, and most wallet friendly beach in the world (with free wireless internet access, loose thai-esque women, and a series of starbucks and burger kings to keep my belly free of filipino food). once i discover the promised land, i'll entertain the thought of renting a beachside apartment (rumored to be affordably priced at US$100/month) and do absolutely nothing but marathon masturbation daydreaming sessions. in the alternate universe i create for myself, i can be anything i want in order to avoid confronting my current pathetic and unfulfilled life. i'm leaning towards the daydream where i'm a pirate aimlessly wandering the oceans ordering others to swab this and batten that. it's particularly appropriate now because of my flowing hair, tattered clothes and the fact that i seem to hang out exclusively with grunting men.

regardless of the outcome of my island hop or contraction of scurvy during my epic masturbation daydreaming sessions, expect one thing: an endless string of beach-type pictures and lewd images of a worry-free large breasted man - with an eyepatch.

Posted by thejerk at 01:15 AM | Permalink

i grant an exception to ipod owners that own a macintosh or those that were presented with ipods as gifts from well intentioned but ignorant relatives, or even the chunky sacks who won their ipods at their company christmas dinner. wait, i take that last one back. the chunky sack being jewish, unscrupulously took advantage of a holiday not within the realm of judaism and its strict dietary restrictions. the rest of you have absolutely no excuse for yielding to catchy guerilla advertising campaigns or the relentless power of ignorant word of mouth.

what the hell am i going on about you ask? i just purchased myself a fine piece of digital audio multimedia hardware that plays the standard slate of music files but also displays images, video and can read text files, all on a color screen (that's "colour" for you euro-trash tuning in) for less money than the same gigabyted ipod (is that a word? gigabyted?). besides the price, my iriver mp3 player is recognized by any windows operating system without additional drivers and is therefore easier to transfer music directly without the need to go thru the i-tunes middle man. the wide range of mp3 player on the market clearly indicate ipods are inferior products but some brainlessly follow the herd. and to anyone citing ipod's "ease of use", i have a question: who dresses you in the morning?

did i mention it also has a USB host port that allows file transfer to and from another USB device without the use of a PC? oh, and i forgot to mention the wired remote, FM tuner, durable pleather carrying case, line in and voice recording, as well as the AA backup battery pack, all included with my device. and one last thing, did i mention i'm having an excrutiating time urinating without blood in my stream? take that ipod schmucks!

you pc ipod people make me want to wretch... unless you have non-pendulous breasts and your face resembles something between a middle aged linda carter and young mary-kate olsen. or anyone with flaring nostrils. in these cases, you make me want to take my pants off. but the rest of you. i spit at thee.

on a related note: gmail me as many good new MP3's you can! i need to fill the 10 leftover gigabytes worth of space not occupied by pornography. (see previous post)

Posted by thejerk at 01:09 AM | Permalink

a few weeks ago, i reported the border crossing fiasco that led to the loss of years of accumulated pornography. in a time of need, a fellow american has bravely stepped forward to provide me with over 4 GB of explicit digital video content. unfortunately, i'll keep only a fraction of it due to it's unacceptable nature, even for my, let's say, morally pliable standards. but nevertheless, i appreciate and applaud his effort. in order to protect his anonymity, i'll refer to him only as Allen M. actually, that sounds unbearably clinical so let's just call him A. Manalo or A. Manalo of 43 Pasa Robles, Apt 5d, Quezon City, Metro Manila (09)-323-9938 (ask for "el guapo" if you call - password: "the corpulent canuck walks his guinea pig by moonlight").

A. Manalo takes fettishes to a new and disturbing level. while maticulously cataloguing the material, i found myself in amazement and repeatedly screaming, "no, not in there!" or "there is no god." the hardest part was the decision on where to begin. alphabetically starts me off at ataneo univ. sex scandals and ends with very dirty protestant ministers. i can also tackle the problem by genre or movie parodies. my favorite title so far, hairy pooter and the chamber of secretions (director's cut)

once i've narrowed the material down to a few hundred choice selections, i'll be ready to leave manila (again) and attempt to finish hopping around the philippine islands. it turned out losing all that old pornography wasn't the end of my life. thanks to A. Manalo, it was the beginning.

Posted by thejerk at 01:08 AM | Permalink

S Korea unveils first dog clone (BBC) Scientists in South Korea have produced the first dog clones, they report in Nature magazine this week.

oh the pain this caused my small palpitating korean heart. with a well known reputation that the koreans have and with all the other animals out there, why did they have to be first to clone a dog? it's like if germans were to invent an innovative oversized oven that's able to fit humans of various religions. couldn't the koreans just have done the work and accidentally dropped the results at a chinese or vietnamese scientist's home?

ok, after a week of brooding, i've prepared myself for it... c'mon, bring on the food shortage jokes. if only we can defray the mockery by helping the arabs clone sheep. i mean sexier than the ones they have now that also have the ability to give and take a quality reach-around.

in other news: in the works, a new thejerk.org tagalog version (now with more adobo)

Posted by thejerk at 01:04 AM | Permalink

fresh from a fight to the death with a pair of knife-wielding filipino lolas, the jerk brings you some relatively uninspired pictures of the island of Luzon and its insane inhabitants. god bless 'em, because they try.

highlights include:

- UNESCO world heritage sites, including rice terraces that'll knock your socks off, if you're wearing any
- filthy black sand beaches
- monsoon rain, and how!
- native soft-core pornography (otherwise known as black and white pictures of indigenous folk)

so switch all other electronic devices off, buckle yourselves in, place your erections in the locked and upright position, because there are 166 joyous pictures celebrating filipino culture and my direct attempts to mock each one.

click here or to go straight to the porn, click here

note: large images may not work yet until pennis gets off his oversized pear-shaped arse and fixes his router.

Posted by thejerk at 01:14 AM | Permalink

i dug up an old golf picture of AJina Digenarro. for those of you that don't know him, he's a former coworker who likes to run around naked with his 'nads tucked in, all silence of the lambs and shit. yes, it's as nauseating as it sounds.

and even if you don't know the jina, c'mon, the picture itself is pretty hilarious! c'mon!? hello, anyone out there?

Posted by thejerk at 12:38 AM | Permalink

as of August 10, i'm a year older, a year less mature and as the aging formula dictates, i'll now start chasing girls a year younger than those i was chasing before my birthday. at this rate, in 10 years, i'll be intercepting sperm and egg before they have a chance to conceive.

this was the worst birthday yet. the only company i had for my birthday cake (with marlboro brand candle) was my motel neighbor, a 7 year old boy who spoke only tagalog other than the occasional demand for "candy". naturally i kicked him out... after beating him with his own shoe. (on a related note, since we're on the topic of 7 y/o boys, i'd like to welcome all new catholic priests that have tuned in for this post)

gee whiz i'm old and beginning to feel my age. i remember the good ol' days when i slept much less, gained weight with difficulty and urinated without a horrible burning sensation. but at least i'm comforted by the knowledge that with age comes wisdom. from this day forward, i vow to begin using sex as a weapon.

i'm tired, i need a nap and my persistent sciatica is acting up again. good day to you all.

in other news: happy birthday to the chunky sack, who by some strange alignment of the moons was born on the exact same month and day as me proving the gods must be crazy (part II).

Posted by thejerk at 12:35 AM | Permalink

this place is so stunning, i just accidentally released a morsel of urine. the rice terraces of Batad earned a spot on my top 3 most gorgeous places on earth. if the place had internet, it'd easily be in my top 2 most beautiful places on earth.

the approach resembled the inca trail leading to machu picchu but with more tremendous amounts of torment. i was laden with a 40 pound backpack and hiking for 2 hours in unrelenting heat while saddled with punishing diarrhea. it was a difficult endeavor and i believe the word hero is not out of line to describe my accomplishment. the rice terraces reminded me of the cliffs of positano but without a trace of my arch-enemy, the package tourist. in fact, very few tourists were present as a result of low tourist season. take away the unslightly tin-roof eyesores and i'm certain batad would attract positano level tourism.

the philippines is a mall culture and as many of you are familiar, i'm well known to shop 'til i drop... given the proper plus-sized lingerie store. but i can get used to daily hikes to waterfalls and surrounding deep gorges until i lose a few pounds of baby fat that never went away (particularly from the chesticlular area).

but i missed mcdonalds too much. it's interesting because i never really enjoyed mcdonalds that much until filipino cooking forced me to find an edible alternative. imagine any crap college cafeteria meal, then take away heat and flavor and you've got filipino food. it's as if this adventurous cuisine is based on the theory of combining incompatible foods then labeling it with the motto, "together at last". much like my drinking problem (diet coke) i'm now addicted to big macs. i'm proud to say though that in a month and a half, i haven't visited a single jollibee, the local fast food chain where gelatinous burgers and sugary spaghetti sicken the foreign stomach.

i'm heading back to manila now to recharge. and to answer your question, yes, i will try to appear on CNN and BBC World during an anti-GMA (president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo) rally. and to answer your other question, i do have a nickname for my buttocks: "the cockpit".

Posted by thejerk at 12:34 AM | Permalink

it's raining, freezing and my hotel doesn't have hot water. technically, it's an inn but who gives a crap when the oil in your hair can fuel this small village for a day. i've been rained in for 3 days and in times like this, i relax and thank jehovah i have my laptop to while the time away programming in PERL and C++.

after 5 consecutive days of foregoing a shower, my hair can take any shape with the aid of nature's mousse (i.e. bits of accumulated filth):

if i gave a crap, i'd hear the cowardly whispers of "dirtbag" from the peanut gallery (i.e. you). but i give not a crap and for comedic purposes, i'm gonna attempt to arrive at Tim's house, sans showering for the rest of the week. when the vision is lost from tim's watery eyes and he's suffocating with fits of cough, i think you'll agree, it was worth the hassle as well as the ostracism of my fellow travelers.

in related news: i haven't washed my clothes for a month. to put it in understandable terms, that's an average of 1 pair of underwear per week. it's like wearing steel armor but with less mobility and far less wenches in my company.

Posted by thejerk at 02:51 AM | Permalink