a new year is upon us and as tradition dictates, it behooves me to bestow a title onto the 2008 calendar year.

as each year passes, i'm poignantly reminded of my fading youth and further sagging man-breasts when the latest NBA phenom is 15 herniated years my junior.

there is, however, a remarkable flip side: as of january 1, 2008, a new crop of 18 y/o's begin to attain 'legal' status. furthermore, these young lasses have the special distinction of being the first group of girls born in the 1990's that can't get you listed on your state's Megan's law website (do the math yourself. i think you'll be pleasantly surprised.).

Continue reading "another year, another set of endemic diseases" »

Posted by thejerk at 10:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

just a short one here because i feel a bit lazy for not having posted in a while.

it's not like me to let something like this one go without poking fun a bit. not since Nascar driver, Dick Trickle (or former Met, Mookie Wilson) has there been a more comedic name in sports.

DICKEY NUTT TO REMAIN AS MEN'S BASKETBALL HEAD COACH

really, you shouldn't have bothered opening up the article. you can trust me on this one. he's the arkansas state head basketball coach. with a name like Dickey Nutt, how can you possibly consider removing him as head coach?

that's all for the rest of this month. i'm useless.

in related news, i've seen most of what i wanted to see in the philippines. the pre-departure verdict: dah! (by pre-departure, i mean my flight almost 2 months away on christmas day). i have one more island to see and that's about it but i gotta hand it to the flips, they have the loosest visa extension rules on earth and some really friendly people.

Continue reading "i (heart) sports" »

Posted by thejerk at 10:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

not that i'm looking for a filipino man or anything.

actually, let's take a step back here.

well, if i were, there'd be nothing wrong with it.

anyway, let's get back to the background information.

i mean, if that were my choice, then people shouldn't judge me.

now back to the point of this story.

i mean, not that i'm judging or anything, really.

so now really, back to the story

i'm just saying i'm straight, is all.

ok, here we go.

Continue reading "calling any good filipino men out there (verdict: disheartening)" »

Posted by thejerk at 03:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

check it, negros. pennis of the taipei yangs, that god of all things meat helmet, has opened up a world of new comedy involving flickr.com's "add note" function of their picture hosting site. prepare to see a lot more flickr based "anatomy of ____" in the future. sure he's from a renegade republic but nevertheless, god bless the taiwanese and the inappropriately long hairs sprouting out of their moles.

Continue reading "the anatomy of laziness" »

Posted by thejerk at 02:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

you leave the country for a couple of years and your friends at home begin behaving like a group of uninhibited metrosexuals.

why is the chunky sack (white shirt) wearing a bra in the following picture?

Continue reading "the chunky sack - a refresher (verdict: village people-esque)" »

Posted by thejerk at 04:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

i grant an exception to ipod owners that own a macintosh or those that were presented with ipods as gifts from well intentioned but ignorant relatives, or even the chunky sacks who won their ipods at their company christmas dinner. wait, i take that last one back. the chunky sack being jewish, unscrupulously took advantage of a holiday not within the realm of judaism and its strict dietary restrictions. the rest of you have absolutely no excuse for yielding to catchy guerilla advertising campaigns or the relentless power of ignorant word of mouth.

what the hell am i going on about you ask? i just purchased myself a fine piece of digital audio multimedia hardware that plays the standard slate of music files but also displays images, video and can read text files, all on a color screen (that's "colour" for you euro-trash tuning in) for less money than the same gigabyted ipod (is that a word? gigabyted?). besides the price, my iriver mp3 player is recognized by any windows operating system without additional drivers and is therefore easier to transfer music directly without the need to go thru the i-tunes middle man. the wide range of mp3 player on the market clearly indicate ipods are inferior products but some brainlessly follow the herd. and to anyone citing ipod's "ease of use", i have a question: who dresses you in the morning?

did i mention it also has a USB host port that allows file transfer to and from another USB device without the use of a PC? oh, and i forgot to mention the wired remote, FM tuner, durable pleather carrying case, line in and voice recording, as well as the AA backup battery pack, all included with my device. and one last thing, did i mention i'm having an excrutiating time urinating without blood in my stream? take that ipod schmucks!

you pc ipod people make me want to wretch... unless you have non-pendulous breasts and your face resembles something between a middle aged linda carter and young mary-kate olsen. or anyone with flaring nostrils. in these cases, you make me want to take my pants off. but the rest of you. i spit at thee.

on a related note: gmail me as many good new MP3's you can! i need to fill the 10 leftover gigabytes worth of space not occupied by pornography. (see previous post)

Posted by thejerk at 01:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

i dug up an old golf picture of AJina Digenarro. for those of you that don't know him, he's a former coworker who likes to run around naked with his 'nads tucked in, all silence of the lambs and shit. yes, it's as nauseating as it sounds.

Continue reading "AJina (warning: inside joke)" »

Posted by thejerk at 12:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i know most of you guys come to this site to be personally ridiculed in ways that scientifically prove your laziness and utter ineptitude. without further ado, i belittle your web savvy and deflate any delusions of competence:

if you look on the right side of the page, i've included a new technological advancement, aka a "where am i" link for all you hunchbacks and mongoloids that continue to email me to ask my location. i've answered my share of insane questions in my time (and once and for all, no, i don't have a transplanted baboon liver) but now that i've made it doubly easy to find my exact location, i'll no longer humor you with a reply about my current whereabouts.

i'm a busy man-boy... i've got to continue my search for the perfect retirement beach. and for those of you that have stumbled onto thejerk.org by accident, i address you as well in my all inclusive damnation no matter how short you've been on this site.

in other news: "man needs penis to have sex"... who would've guessed?

Posted by thejerk at 03:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)