look, with 3 consequtive posts about the subject, i don't blame you if you think i'm obsessed with this prostitution phenomenon. but i'm not. ok, ok. i can't lie to you. yes, i am.

anyway, if you have a few seconds, take the following prostitution quiz. you'd be surprised the situations i come across every day in the philippines.

which of the following are cases of prostitution:

a) you buy a nice catholic girl dinner on a date then retire to your place for a zesty round of "hide the salami"

b) a half naked lady approaches you on the street then offers you a blowjob. you negotiate it to half her original price then take her home.

c) you meet a girl at the bar then after buying her a few drinks, engage in an activity locally known as "punching the munchkin".

d) a 9 year old girl trips then rips her hymen. at the exact time you walk by her, you accidentally drop a 500 peso bill. she picks it up.

e) you meet a known prostitute. you have consensual sex without the promise of payment. before she leaves, you "tip" her 1000 pesos.

WRONG! they're all cases of prostitution and you will go to hell for thinking anything different!

thanks for playing and i'll see you in eternal damnation!

Posted by thejerk at 06:27 AM | Permalink

it's really one of the worst feelings to be rejected by every girl i've met in the philippines. is it the saggy man-boobs? or it's perhaps my wonderfully permed hair. i don't blame a woman who doesn't wanna date a man with more beautiful hair than her.

what keeps my shattered self-esteem partially afloat is that homosexual men seem to love me. and rightfully so! i'm smart enough. i'm good enough. and dog gone it, people like me!

in the same Dumaguete bar i met Kimberly, i met, dassa dude. it's not entirely clear if they are indeed pom-pom (aka prostitutes) but chances are, they are. i mean, sex changes don't exactly grow on trees, do they.

i never caught his name but to use one of tim's jokes, i'll call him "dassa dude" - as in, "i mean really, look at him, dassa dude!" i've never before seen a near perfect sex-change than this. when i first saw her, i may be mistaken, but i think it moved.

and dassa 'nother dude but a bit more obvious this time. both of them apparently have rich foreign suitors that paid to have their "fun bits" removed. clearly one of them surely got his money's worth.

*drool*

whew! excuse me, i need to take a cold shower.

Posted by thejerk at 06:20 AM | Permalink

before my international traveling career began, my knowledge of the world was limited to our immediate neighbors, Canada and Mexico (both of which barely qualify as a countries anyway). since then, i'm learning how much better off, the citizens of the US&A have it than those of the rest of the world. on a daily basis, i see grinding poverty and hopelessness that make me want to abandon my travels and retreat back to the comfort of my San Francisco duplex and down a jar of fine caviar or a wheel of imported cheese.

but i perservere.

some time ago, i made a resolution to help at least one beggar a day. if i'm approached at a mcdonald's, he'll get a couple of burgers from me; if starbucks, a few pastries to line his stomach. the soft spot in my heart is reserved mainly for widowed or unmarried elderly women who generally don't get a fair shake in these third world countries to begin with. the prevailing notion is that without a husband, a woman amounts to nothing and hence their careers are built exclusively around the home lessening their marketability in the work force. and so, in general, i try to help an ailing old woman with a handful of pesos, or baht or rupees every day.

with that said, check out these photos of this really hot Dumaguete prostitute!

introducing kimberly. i can already hear you boys out there unbuckling your belts but before you continue, i feel it my duty to warn you of her situation. as it turns out, every hooker has a heartbreaking story. kimberly was abandoned by her parents and eventually turned to shabu (aka crystal meth) for comfort. essentially, she sells her 15 year old body for drugs. yes, 15 years old. now you have all the information, defile away you unmitigated sexual deviants.

the philippines is a difficult place to meet traveling foreigners so often i find myself sitting alone. whether it's at a restaurant, beach or brothel, let's just say, i have a lot of time for introspection. in many cultures, a solo traveler is someone to pity. however, the average "joe citizen" prefers to maintain his distance. enter children, touts and those in the sex trade. i've met so many prostitutes during my travels, i feel like a member of the US armed forces, particularly those filthy navy seamen (they from port to port, ya know?).

i originally met kimberly in Dumaguete through a mutual prostitute friend. i assure you i neither payed for her 15 y/o services (or any prostitution services, ever) nor asked her for these pictures. i was surreptitiously taking pictures of some sad old western dudes in the bar when she felt it necessary to strip for me. she's wacked i tell ya, wacked. but my heart goes out to her and anyone in a similar situation that are forced to be violated by old white men to earn enough money to get high.

footnote: no prostitutes were harmed while taking these pictures and her antics actually seemed entertain nearly everyone in the bar. except for me. i was scurred.

Posted by thejerk at 06:11 AM | Permalink

just a short one here because i feel a bit lazy for not having posted in a while.

it's not like me to let something like this one go without poking fun a bit. not since Nascar driver, Dick Trickle (or former Met, Mookie Wilson) has there been a more comedic name in sports.

DICKEY NUTT TO REMAIN AS MEN'S BASKETBALL HEAD COACH

really, you shouldn't have bothered opening up the article. you can trust me on this one. he's the arkansas state head basketball coach. with a name like Dickey Nutt, how can you possibly consider removing him as head coach?

that's all for the rest of this month. i'm useless.

in related news, i've seen most of what i wanted to see in the philippines. the pre-departure verdict: dah! (by pre-departure, i mean my flight almost 2 months away on christmas day). i have one more island to see and that's about it but i gotta hand it to the flips, they have the loosest visa extension rules on earth and some really friendly people.

**bonus material**

MANILA (Reuters) - A German man killed two men and wounded two others with a pistol in a farming town in the northern Philippines before he was knocked unconscious with a soft drink bottle, police said Tuesday.

The trouble began when a 51-year-old German national who is married to a Filipino woman was summoned to the community hall to answer complaints from his neighbors accusing him of issuing threats Sunday.

During a heated argument with his four neighbors, the man pulled out a .45 caliber pistol and began shooting at people inside the hall, said Jefferson Soriano, chief of police in the northern Cagayan Valley region.

"The village chief and his deputy were killed on the spot," Soriano told reporters. "Two of his four neighbors were shot in the head and neck, while the others scampered for safety."

Soriano said the German man chased and shot at those who tried to escape. He was subdued after the wife of one of his neighbors hit him in the head with a soft drink bottle.

Police officers found the man still unconscious and took him to hospital. He now faces murder charges.

really, is anyone even surprised?

Posted by thejerk at 10:17 PM | Permalink

you may think it's all fun and games being thejerk but i wasn't always this handsome possessing a perm to die for. i've recently dug up a few photos from my past. they bring bring back bittersweet memories of a time when i was more innocent and less diseased.

i actually still have these pants:

these pants, i threw away:

lucky for him, he didn't rupture my large intestine. i'm not sure if there's a cleaning agent able to deordorize the remnants of a partially digested burrito (with refried beans) from bull horns.

Posted by thejerk at 10:12 PM | Permalink

4 months in the philippines. my legs ache. traveling cumbersome. hair grows where hair should not be. not yet a perfect beach. require good thai food, massage, and a "release". send my widow a corsage.

pictures here, shnarf

highlights:

- some white-ish beaches (but less beaches than philippines part 2)
- diving w/ fishies (i.e. all scuba, no muff)
- africans (namibians, south africans, pinays) but not necessarily black
- the perm: a day that will forever live in infamy
- together at last: world's smallest primate & the world's hairiest
- the departure of shlomo and therefore my pictures become 100% less jewish and with 50% less back hair
- Camiguin's Lanzones festival w/ a cameo by the philippines' "pocket president", Gloria Arroyo

i am utterly lost and directionless in life and my forked tongue spews forth only venom. enjoy the pictures!

regards,
sir jerksalot (recently knighted)

Posted by thejerk at 08:51 PM | Permalink