6 full months in the philippines. whew! i can sure use a brewed coffee and a good 3 month rest in the US&A.

i have to warn you, i'm a bit low on website bandwidth so some of you may face transfer outages. by some of you, i mean, probably all of you. on second thought, just go to a better website, altogether. may i suggest www.albino-midget-wrestling.mx (you know, it's a real sport down there).

highlights include:

- siargao island surfing
- cockfights, i.e. outside of a bar/disco setting
- more beaches obviously
- palawan island, what i've been searching for all along
- monkey friends (photos and video)
- chicken slaughtering (blood curdling)

philippines part 4

a land with such friendly people and great beaches should be just as popular as thailand. well, you heard it here first: the philippines is the new thailand.

but i reserve the right for one complaint about the philippines. as a result of spanish and american colonization, filipino names are incongruously paired with its asian population. i firmly believe that never, and i mean ever, should anyone meet a mongaloid named Rico, Manolo or Jesus. and that's final!

Posted by thejerk at 10:37 PM | Permalink

not so much happening in the philippines for christmas except a lot of shorts-n-tshirt weather carolling as well as daily church-going. hahahah!

whew.

seriously though folks, nothing says happy holidays than a heavily edited He-Man video... or perhaps a punch in the face by a drunken parental unit. that's what christmas is all about.

click here for video

courtesy of the Turd

Posted by thejerk at 08:41 PM | Permalink

to the two korean girls i met in puerto princessa's puerto pensione, i lost your email addresses. i can blame it on forgetfulness, alcohol or premature onset of dementia but that'd be lying. instead i blame it on my lepresy ravaged fingers and the oversensitive 'delete' key on my computer. and that's the truth so help me Lord Vishnu and his team of fighting monkeys.

email me. thejerk(@)thejerk.org

Posted by thejerk at 07:22 PM | Permalink

the obvious jokes aside, i'd like to thank cacnipa island for not only providing me friendly monkeys to keep me "busy" but also the chance to slaughter my first chicken. i recall a previous plan to murder a chicken in Laos but unfortunately, that never actually materialized.

the resort boss declared a chicken that no longer lays eggs should be destroyed for its meat so i rolled up my sleeves and declared jihad on the defenseless bastard. expecting rivers of squirting blood, i wore my bathing suit, prepared to run immediately into the ocean, screaming like a 12 year old schoolboy.

rest assured, i didn't just slice its neck (5 times), i also ate him afterwards. 'twas a bit gamey if you ask me.

no more words are needed for the following video. (be patient, the video's about 9.3 MB)

5 slices constitute torture in some non-asian Islamic countries. next time, the head comes clean off with an axe and if you're wondering which diseases i already have, the answer is, i don't know but rest assured you can add chicken flu to the list.

afterwards, during the process of gutting the chicken, we noticed a series of nearly formed eggs ready to be laid... whoopsie-poo.

indeed, where is my tenderness?

Posted by thejerk at 10:54 PM | Permalink

her name is Peabody and like most filipinas, mainly hangs out with me in the hope of free food. she's often dirty, reaks of beef stroganoff and her body hair is matted in dirt, if not her own feces and caked urine. she neither makes out with me nor even talks to me but instead flings feces at me with impunity; she's the best girlfriend i've ever had.

on a normal day she wears no clothes while her bulbous genitals occasionally engorge during her bimonthly period in estrous. once she's reached 2 years old, i'll propose and we'll spend many evenings dining on insects plucked out of each other's hair.

the other monkey, george, is male but despite my advances, he wouldn't give in to carnal pleasures. he must be a catholic. we spent hours grooming each other and flinging our respective feces at passing resort guests. "george, we'll always have december 3, 'muddy friday'"

because of my new macaque (& balls) friends, i've abandoned my hatred of monkey-kind. most of my previous encounters with primates involved aggression, intimidation and theft of food (and that's only the chunky sack!). peabody's not so much better but at least she represents endless hours of amusement. you can sit and watch her groom herself, fling feces at you or masturbate then you return the favor by forcing her to watch you masturbate. excessively. until it bleeds. left with a ground down stump.

Posted by thejerk at 10:45 PM | Permalink

- 5 months...

- 18 out of 7107 Philippine islands visited...

- countless overtouristed beaches treaded...

- innumerable chicken adobos forcibly consumed...

- (as a result) 13 cases of gastroenteritis and cirrhosis...

- (not as a result) 2 cases of gonorrhoea and herpes symplex 43 - each...

...but it was all worth it (except the herpes) now that i've reached my last set of islands named palawan, also known locally as "the last frontier".

despite the 90% german tourist infestation, the beaches of palawan have yet failed to disappoint. on these long stretches of sand, the stench of scheisseporn is few and far between leaving kilometers of "white" sand all to myself and thousands of pissclams to rub around my well lubricated exterior.

sabang beach, near the UNESCO derided "underground river":

cacnipa island, the near-perfect beach and resort. just shy of perfect because of the lack of internet, 24 hour electricity and overaged thai hookers women.

on a completely unrelated note, as we near the end of 2005, i'd like to draw attention to the successful completion of one goal. the "year of shirtlessness" was an overwhelming achievement made possible through a combination of shamelessness and fortunate asian climate. it puts my 2003 "summer of shirtlessness" to shame.

i'd also like to mention, as the year rounds out, that the unintended "year of celibacy" was fulfilled successfully by myself and hundreds of other overweight traveling psychopaths. i salute all my fellow untouchables in completing yet another year without female (or male) sexual contact. *applause* as a result, coming soon, my new website: http://www.ICouldntGetLaidIfICrawledUpAChickensAss.co.kr

Posted by thejerk at 10:13 PM | Permalink

i believe singer/songwriter Billy Joel said it best:

Uptight girl. Shes been living in an uptight world. something something something something ship comes in...

if history has shown anything about my past friendships with females, it's that the relationship will always end in bitter tears, only this time, she was the one at the open air restaurant sobbing uncontrollably and left without sphincter control. really, if there's a silver lining to be found, it's that i'm getting better at realizing who the whack jobs are - this one only took 2 days (1 day to meet her then the 2nd day to scheme how to ditch her).

we met in dumaguete with the promise of flying and traveling in palawan together. after a few hours, i found myself annoyed by her constant complaints and neverending dogmatic liberal politics. i don't mind a differing political opinion but give it a rest for at least 20 minutes! i lied, i do mind a different opinion, particularly ones whose foundations are based in everyone-loves-everyone irrationality. the straw that broke the korean-american's back was when i took a picture of her and she mandated:

"you don't have my permission to use that photo on your website."

declare it to me and there's absolutely no deal. so in all its ugly, granola eating, corporation hating, self-righteous glory, i present, one tree-hugging canucklehead hypocritically downing a double shot of Starbucks mocha latte:

she's against all (american) multi-nationals, the product of well-intended liberalism gone horribly awry, but as she sits there with a steaming cup of corporation coffee, she felt the picture i'd taken would tarnish her future ability to endorse the latest granola product or dolphin-safe tuna net. my only regret is that i didn't get more dubious pictures of this pasty carpenter's dream (you know, flat as a board, easy to nail?) defying her own fantasy-land maxims.

add to that, the personality disorder of garrulous banter about her uninteresting and overstated self. if her conversation skills were measured in chicken adobo, she'd go hungry for years. whenever i tried to interject a statement, she simply spoke louder and resumed her high minded, preachy monologue.

i'm the first to admit were she doable attractive enough to insert not my, but anyone's penis into, her condescending discourse would have been more palatable.

save the whales, club no baby seals, give land back to the natives, eat veges not meat. SAVE IT and EAT ME!

Posted by thejerk at 02:24 AM | Permalink