lord knows i can use some quick scam to replenish my cash reserves to continue a life of international travel and disease-free prostitutes. after 5 years of globetrotting, the balance in my bank account is as low as the count of sperm in my under-utilized genitalia but as of this morning, things are looking up:

http://www.whocanisue.com/
http://www.sueeasy.com/
http://www.legalmatch.com/

like an internet dating service, these websites match up the desperate (e.g. me) with litigious scavengers of the western world. it's kinda like match.com for the (more) morally bankrupt. the websites allow you to post how you were nominally wronged and a lawyer presumably responds with a dollar amount attainable for the perceived tort.

reflecting carefully, i fear that maybe the terrorists are right after all and i'm starting to see their perspective. i'm however, working overtime with a slew of other holy wars to devote any energy to this one. one jihad at a time, please. on second thought, i need the fast cash and i'm through turning tricks in San Francisco's colorfully named, "tenderloin" district. lawsuit me, my good man and nuts to terrorism, for now.

now leave me alone so i can continue to trawl these "law" websites for any class action lawsuits i can hone in on. failing this, my only recourse is to stop traveling and hire prostitutes overflowing with disease.

thejerk legal advice: wear a neck-brace and you win every time, either in a court of law or more importantly, the court of comedy.

Posted by thejerk at 03:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

the link below is of a mildly entertaining flash animation if you're a nerdy computer type but having been out of the internet loop for a while, this thing may be old as the curdled milk in your grandma's boobs. don't say i didn't warn you (i.e. about your grandma's curdled milk).

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/34244097/

Posted by thejerk at 11:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

everyone's doing it so like a mindless cockroach, i'll follow suit.

this is supposed to be me. clearly the creator of the Simpsons avatar, uh, creator, is a white dude. no asian features can be added to avatars, most notably my flat and flavorless buttocks and sparse fu-man-chu mustache.

i got nothing more. peace out, punk asses

Posted by thejerk at 10:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

in case you've failed to noticed, my miss universe 2007 page is updated for your wacking watching pleasure.

to miss universalicious

somewhat skimpy swimsuit and evening gown photos now available. unfortunately, the only nip slip is when my japanese friend fell while looking at the photos. oh, Ryoshi, will you ever learn not to wear wooden geta on polished floors.

*** UPDATE to the update ***

a concerned fan (via Wikipedia) writes in:

A number of contestants were born outside the country or have different origins to that which they will represent in the pageant:

* Miss Germany (Angelica Glass) is half Filipino.[31] Her father is from the Philippines and her mother is German. Miss Norway Kirby Ann Tan Basken is also half Filipino.[16]
* Miss Canada 2007 (Inga Skaya) was born in Russia, as was Natalie Glebova, Miss Canada 2005 and Miss Universe 2005. The past three Miss Canada titleholders (2005, 2006, and 2007) were born in Eastern Europe.
* Miss USA (Rachel Smith) was born on an American army base in Panama.
* Miss Venezuela (Ly Jonaitis) is of Lithuanian and Russian origin.
* Miss U.S. Virgin Islands Renata Christian was born in Puerto Rico.
* Miss Indonesia (Agni Pratistha Kuswardono) was born in Canberra, Australia.

*** end update ***

it's interesting the half-breeds come from the nations that produce the most foreign prostitutes (i.e. eastern europe & philippines). just a racist observation on my part.

Posted by thejerk at 11:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

originally i wanted to poke fun at the irish with drunk & pasty jokes but i have little interest in blabbing at this late hour. i'll just come clean and admit to my hidden agenda which was to post a few pictures of attractive women. it's mainly intended for the perverts out there because child molesters' turn just as many, if not more pages than the average non-pervert.

look, i need the advertising revenue to fund my wandering lifestyle. and if i haven't thanked you for september's page-turns that resulted in a whopping $0.55 generated, then i do so now. on second thought, allow me to say, i hate you all.

the incomparable dara

kat... she be illin'

dara and kat's sister (i can't remember her name right now - so sorry)

the irish should be proud of their darling lasses, almost as proud as they should be of this guy

enjoy the pictures, you rapscallions!

Posted by thejerk at 07:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

look, with 3 consequtive posts about the subject, i don't blame you if you think i'm obsessed with this prostitution phenomenon. but i'm not. ok, ok. i can't lie to you. yes, i am.

anyway, if you have a few seconds, take the following prostitution quiz. you'd be surprised the situations i come across every day in the philippines.

which of the following are cases of prostitution:

a) you buy a nice catholic girl dinner on a date then retire to your place for a zesty round of "hide the salami"

b) a half naked lady approaches you on the street then offers you a blowjob. you negotiate it to half her original price then take her home.

c) you meet a girl at the bar then after buying her a few drinks, engage in an activity locally known as "punching the munchkin".

d) a 9 year old girl trips then rips her hymen. at the exact time you walk by her, you accidentally drop a 500 peso bill. she picks it up.

e) you meet a known prostitute. you have consensual sex without the promise of payment. before she leaves, you "tip" her 1000 pesos.

WRONG! they're all cases of prostitution and you will go to hell for thinking anything different!

thanks for playing and i'll see you in eternal damnation!

Posted by thejerk at 06:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)