oh, hi guys. thanks for joining me for this very special, touching entry on thejerk.org. last week we discussed the challenge of successfully reconstructing a burrito wrapped in a torn tortilla. this week, you're in for an even tastier treat...
traveling illegally in Tibet, i desperately wanted to appear Chinese. i arrived in Lhasa to find a mild undercurrent of Han Chinese hatred among the local Tibetan population. see the bastardized changes made to Lhasa (read: typical Han Chinese city from the glazed-tile school of architecture) then one can understand why. the rude treatment i received in Lhasa made me quickly rediscover something i always knew: masquerading as an unkempt Chinaman inevitably ends in tears (i'm quoting Confucius here... or was it Marco Polo).
what happened at Johkang temple, i'm still unable to understand. the short of it is, an old lady, taking a breather from her prostration and prayers, gestured and yelled at me then began to physically abuse me. when she raised her wrinkled, aged hand to strike me (perhaps mistakenly believing i snapped a photo of her), i held her at arms length. that's when it happened. wait for it... she grabbed my hand and greedily deposited it into an unspeakably filthy maw, taking a not unnoticable morsel of flesh out of my ring finger.
here, i present the sanitized aftermath with a lovely daytime Potala Palace as backdrop.
as any sane man would do when confronted by a rabid 60 year-old Tibetan pilgrim, i made a hasty retreat. shortly after i noticed blood disgorging from my wounded digit whereupon, with equal haste, i hobbled to find the local buffoons police.
there's strength in numbers against the criminally insane so as a group, the police and i went to apprehend the perp (sic). after some intense lying (on her part), she finally relented and admitted to biting me. realizing i'd gained the upper hand, i unleashed a stream of english and chinese obscenities that i learned by watching old videos of Chinese Premier Deng Xiaoping (or was it Marco Polo). her lips then quivered followed immediately by a heart-breaking trickle of tears.
yes, even thejerk has a conscience so i reluctantly accepted her apology eager to end this fiasco. and with my wounded appendage, i retreated to the local pharmacy to buy a family sized tub of disinfectant and gauze.
due to the language barrier, i never received an explanation for her aggression but i have my theories.
let this be a lesson to you kids. the moral of the story: it's never ok to impersonate a chinaman (to quote Chairman Mao... or was it Marco Polo again?!).
that's it for this edition. join me next week when i'll explore the dangers of used hypodermic needles and the pitfalls of elective cosmetic surgery.
