morning coffee - a little background: instant coffee is the de facto form of coffee in the philippines. i sure hate that nescafe.

the jerk: hi, do you have brewed coffee or is it instant?
cafe waitress: you want instant coffee?
tj: no, i'm just asking, do you have brewed coffee?
cw: (yells to the back) one coffee!
tj: no, can i have an iced coffee?
cw: you don't want the coffee?
tj: no.
cw: (hands me a menu)
tj: no, i just want a brewed iced coffee.
cw: (blank expression)
tj: ok, i'll look at the menu. i'll have the brewed ice coffee.
cw: (converses with coffee master then after 15 minutes, begins to make my coffee)

mcdonalds

hamburger artist: welcome to mcdonald's, may i take your order, sir?
the jerk: can you give me a second? i'm not really sure.
ha: do you want a mcdo value meal, sir?
tj: - (i've now learned to ignore the insane questions)
tj: can i have a number 1, no supersize?
ha: (looks back at the billboard menu) you want a big mac meal, sir?
tj: - (but i nod)
ha: how many, sir?
tj: how many what?
ha: how many big mac meals do you want, sir?
tj: 4 (sarcastically)
ha: 4 big macs! (into her microphone)
tj: no, i'm kidding, just one meal, no supersize.
ha: do you want to supersize that, sir?
tj: -
ha: - (blankly)
tj: no just a regular size with diet coke, coke light.
ha: what drink with that, sir?
tj: a coke light, please.
ha: that'll be 99 pesos, sir. do you want a longganisa burger for 33 pesos?
tj: -

in the philippines, you ask a question and you've ordered it. "excuse me, do you have lukewarm diarrhea on tap?"

"one lukewarm diarrhea for the long haired chinaman!"

i shite you not! this is all too painfully real. someone kick me in the gonads. at least that'll be easier to endure.