in case you thought i was dead, i'm not. it's my pleasure to disappoint you. add some projectile kimchi to the previous statements and it reminds me of every Christmas i've spent at home with my family. traditional korean-american christmas means exchanging wrapped gifts while simultaneously berating each other for disappointing you on a daily basis.

what happens when you combine incompetence at my web host's customer service and traveling in a country that has less internet than central Tajikistan? the answer, as it turns out, is a full month of thejerk.org downtime. i'm absolutely convinced the monkeys manning the customer service department are paid per email. it gives them a financial incentive to 'misread' my emails, repeatedly and go home knowing they deserved their $4.25/hour paycheck.

anyway, baby jesus, mary, josef and the hamburglar were moderately good to me this year so i wanted to return the generosity. consider the 35-day thejerk.org downtime a part of my usual christmas largesse. sorry i couldn't be with you in person to stuff a slab of coal in your stocking either.

and as is my new year's tradition since 2003 to designate the upcoming year's moniker, i present to you 2007: the year of getting down to my scientifically determined weight based on my height, age, sex and ethnicity. (aka the year of losing 30 - 35 lbs)

in case you're keeping score at home, the previous years declarations:

2006: the year of touching at least 1 female (mission: failed)
2005: the year of avoiding malaria and/or dengue fever and/or a sneaky castro (mission: results unknown)
2004: the summer of pantslessness (mission: accomplished)
2003: the summer of shirtlessness (mission: overwhelmingly accomplished)

stay tuned because as lord vishnu as my witness, i will update thejerk.org at least 1 or 2 times a month!

ciao, regazzi.

Posted by thejerk at 08:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

the title pretty much says it all. poor li'l guy's a roadside-feline away from being in traction. btw, what the F is 'traction'?

Posted by thejerk at 08:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

a picture i forgot to post months ago. a 'facial room', also translated into chinese.

next time i'm giving a chinese girl a facial, i'll know precisely how to spell it. did i say "chinese girl"? i meant to say "myself".

Posted by thejerk at 08:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

you haven't seen bali until you've caught a performance involving monkey gods fighting human armies.

Hanuman of Balinese 'Kecak' fame

Continue reading "bali dancing" »

Posted by thejerk at 08:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

as a former employee of CNET Networks (based in San Francisco) for 5 glorious ornery years, i feel it's my duty to rat on anyone infringing on its world-renown slightly recognized trademark. CNET, if you're reading this, you can paypal me any large sum of money for my loyalty as well as the inevitable windfall from your crushing litigation of CNET Malaysia.

CNet Malaysia

btw, if you're having a hard time distinguishing CNET Malaysia from CNET SF, here's a hint: one exploits its asian workers in sweatshop conditions and is heavy handed in dealing with sexual harrassment complaints... the other one's in malaysia.

Posted by thejerk at 06:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

after one and a half days in Brunei's capitol, B.S.B., your intrepid (& learned) explorer discovers as many interesting facts a person can possibly discover about a place when he breezes through en route to more interesting pastures.

myths:

• Brunei's streets are paved with gold


• public fountains pipe champagne 24-hours a day

facts:

• one of Brunei's princes has a yacht named 'Tits'


• 'Tits' has 2 smaller tenders named 'Nipple I' and 'Nipple II'


• one of Brunei's princes has little to no class


• loads of Filipina domestic help run amok


• i've given up any hopes of losing weight off my corpulent frame

not yet known:

• whereabouts, if any, of the 'loose-moraled' white women that make up the sultan's harem


• my current weight since gaining 30 lbs (14 kg) this summer

the ordinariness of Brunei leaves me as shocked as you. in summary, Brunei looks peculiarly like the country it's sandwiched between, malaysia... except with a different currency and a heap more filipina domestic help.

Posted by thejerk at 06:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)