September 25, 2006

how to spot a jap(anese)

a concerned writer remarks:


Hey jerk, maybe you'll find that link helpful. Page through the "How to spot a jap" book for all
kinds of useful tips.

a concerned 'the jerk' responds:

i'm in a cubicled internet cafe in borneo with 7 open chat-windows full of young horny malaysians. hopefully at least half are women. for a variety of reasons i'm unable to read the jap(anese) site right now but the top 2 reasons that immediately come to mind have to do with a really slow internet connection and the inability to surf the net efficiently with one hand vigorously occupied.

well really, only one reason... the frickin interweb is unbelievably slow in borneo! i tried to crack that site open but the images downloaded ever-so-slowly, like in the old days of ftp'ing porn over a 4800 baud modem. i.e. line by line. "we almost have a boob!" that first pamela anderson jpeg is forever seared into my brain. did i say pamela anderson? i meant lorenzo lamas.

the mildly strange thing is, i've actually seen this military video before and remember one helpful tip besides the obvious. the obvious one first: if the guy bombs you while your back is turned, he's a jap(anese). the less obvious one, the one which i'd have no experience with b/c i've never seen anyone other than myself naked is: when stripped down, the difference between a chinaman and a jap(anese) is a dense patch of short and curly pubic hair. apparently, the chinese have longer, wavy and more sparse pubic hair. i couldn't make this one up if i tried, people. i actually recall a diagram displaying 2 side by side comparisons. it's one of the first times i voluntarily saw an asian man pantsless... other than my uncle, joonhae during our annual korean new years celebrations. we never did learn to keep the soju locked up from that raging nudist.

in a jerry springer-esque attempt to rationalize and dissociate myself from my previous racists remarks, i feel i must say how amazingly kind and gentle the japanese are. and also how beautiful japanese women are. that's it for today. take care of yourselves and god bless. even the nips.

May 31, 2005

a concerned citizen writes in

i received a comment on my HK spy post that i got a bit carried away with replying to and so felt it deserved its own space, much like me when i've been stewing in my own diseased juices for 13 hours straight.

A concerned viewer writes:

maybe this is too obvious ... (shortened for brevity) ...but why don't you go see a doctor????

i'm glad someone out there cares... even my mom told me to shut my trap and get back to work in the rice fields where i belong. unless... mom? is that you? she's always pretending to be someone else when she needs to say something tender, useful, or life-affirming. one time she dressed up as a saigon whore and told me about the facts of life, the birds and the bees, if you will. another time, she robbed then beat me at a gas station, where i worked for 6 years of my post-PhD. life, and as she took the last set of 20's out of the register, she taught me how the british parliament operates. oh, mom *sigh*, we'll always have the Shell Station incident.

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