i am worthless and the world knows it. add to my troubles an ongoing hemorrhoid problem of the external variety that recently flared up due to uncontrollable explosive diarrhea worthy of the Indian subcontinent.

(photo courtesy of webmd.com... and incidentally, that's exactly the shape and contour of my own pubis)

i wish i were joking about the 'rhoids but i'm as serious as a Weimar Republic comedian. i take comfort when webmd states "about 50% of people older than 50 have had hemorrhoids at some time in their life." in other words, if you're in a room with 2 people over the age of 50, one of those sleezeballs have the 'rrhoids and you should ridicule them mercilessly.

...but i've now found something worth extending my life for - at least until mid-summer.

http://www.transformersmovie.com/main.html

view the incredible trailers and i'm sure you too will postpone your suicide plans or hemorrhoid surgery for just after the 4th of July holiday weekend.

Posted by thejerk at 04:24 AM | Permalink

in case you've failed to noticed, my miss universe 2007 page is updated for your wacking watching pleasure.

to miss universalicious

somewhat skimpy swimsuit and evening gown photos now available. unfortunately, the only nip slip is when my japanese friend fell while looking at the photos. oh, Ryoshi, will you ever learn not to wear wooden geta on polished floors.

*** UPDATE to the update ***

a concerned fan (via Wikipedia) writes in:

A number of contestants were born outside the country or have different origins to that which they will represent in the pageant:

* Miss Germany (Angelica Glass) is half Filipino.[31] Her father is from the Philippines and her mother is German. Miss Norway Kirby Ann Tan Basken is also half Filipino.[16]
* Miss Canada 2007 (Inga Skaya) was born in Russia, as was Natalie Glebova, Miss Canada 2005 and Miss Universe 2005. The past three Miss Canada titleholders (2005, 2006, and 2007) were born in Eastern Europe.
* Miss USA (Rachel Smith) was born on an American army base in Panama.
* Miss Venezuela (Ly Jonaitis) is of Lithuanian and Russian origin.
* Miss U.S. Virgin Islands Renata Christian was born in Puerto Rico.
* Miss Indonesia (Agni Pratistha Kuswardono) was born in Canberra, Australia.

*** end update ***

it's interesting the half-breeds come from the nations that produce the most foreign prostitutes (i.e. eastern europe & philippines). just a racist observation on my part.

Posted by thejerk at 11:58 PM | Permalink

the end has cometh for photos from a lovely country with unspeakable cuisine (notably excepting Padang food and family of hearty coto soups). my quad phDs in engineering allow me to calculate that an ideal country has a food::interestingness ratio that approaches one. if the ratio approaches infinity or zero, there's something amiss or the country in question is Canada (note: equation not applicable for countries neither interesting nor with bad food... sorry, the Philippines).

what the hell am i going on about? frankly, i can't be quite certain because i've not slept in 2 days ever since i bewilderlying woke up in a dumpster in the Banglapoo district of Bangkok... for the third time in 5 days. spun in a positive light, i enjoyed Indonesia and its people and i thank the local food for helping me shed 20 pounds off my buxom yet masculine physique. on a related note, i'm approximately two diseases away from my ideal weight for a 5 foot 1 inch male; i'll be 5'2" in august so send me a birthday card, y'all!

highlights in this issue include:

- Mt. Bromo, Java at the crack o' dawn
- Lake Toba, Sumatra
- if you haven't had enough Ramayang Epic performances, there's more in this episode
- no disease for my ailing body during this photographic time-period (exception: daily bloody stool)
- a lamp... yes, a plain lamp. that's a highlight in this set. suck it!
- the first of hopefully many, many time-lapse videos... following videos will necessarily be more interesting

photons located here

forever yours,

the jerk

Posted by thejerk at 12:23 AM | Permalink

the content covers the calendar year 2007 (2550 on the Buddhist calendar) and after you see some of the early photos, i'm confident you'll agree in Chinese astrology: this truly is the year of the Pig. the chinese are a prescient group of people. now if only they can accurately predict their way out of terrible personal hygiene and gaudy building decorations (read: year-round inappropriate christmas light adornments).

check out this year's miss universe contestants with my live updates or the official site here. judging from pageant history and my illustrious past as a female body inspector, my early vote goes to Miss Venezuela... rest assured, there's no need to even look at her photo.

some notable highlights (or lowlights) are:

ms. mauritius looking like a crack whore
ms. curacao looking like a recovering crack whore

the preliminary photos on the missuniverse.com site will probably soon be replaced by their air-brushed brethren so i took the occasion to archive all crack-whore-ish photos clearly submitted by the attention-seeking prima donnas of this year's contestants. instead of waiting for official photos, they or their agents rather submited ones that make them look the equivalent of Atlantic City street walkers. however, who knows? street whore may be the new 'in look' this year.

*update* i acted too late to archive the crack-whorish pictures. all self-submitted 'glamour shots' have been replaced. damnst! but now a notable lowlight is ms. paraguay looking as if she's feeling the GI effects of a double bean pork burrito. the mention of 'poo' and 'ms universe' in the same sentence... the thought turns me on more than you can/should ever know.

Posted by thejerk at 12:01 AM | Permalink

for those closely following my every escapade, you'll likely recognize this guy i recently saw on paradise island...

kristian the Germanian

as the same 7 ft. tall German i met in the Philippines, 2 years ago:

from the philippines (2005, Philippines 4, page 85 in case you're keeping score)

although both our meetings were unplanned, under the duress of various German torture techniques, i did expose to him the location of paradise island while exploring the philippines together. but to independently choose the same year and month to visit and rendezvous on paradise isle is a ko-in-ki-dink beyond reason that only evokes the meddling of el manos de Dios (for those that don't 'hablo espanol', that means 'the mano of Dios').

strangely, a similar turn of events occured years ago. on my first ill-fated backpacking trip through Europe, i met a friend from college at the Florence train station:

Scully in Florence, circa 1998

who i then unexpectedly met 7 years later again in Bangkok but this time, both betrothed and in better physical shape than at college:

Scully (& betrothee) from Bangkok, circa 2005

...god works in mind-bogglingly mysterious ways (i.e. why am i always chunkier than everyone i meet? don't let me get started on my man-boobs!)

while we're on the topic of 'working' in mysterious ways, please enjoy a photo of Gorby and the Chunky Sack playing grab-ass in their children's sized superman uniforms. spandex has known little other stress - both vertically (Gorby) and horizontally (C. Sack) - as great as the stitch-buckling forces put on costumes designed for the gentle curves of 12 year-old, pre-pubescent boys.

Posted by thejerk at 12:31 AM | Permalink