i received a comment on my HK spy post that i got a bit carried away with replying to and so felt it deserved its own space, much like me when i've been stewing in my own diseased juices for 13 hours straight.

A concerned viewer writes:

maybe this is too obvious ... (shortened for brevity) ...but why don't you go see a doctor????

i'm glad someone out there cares... even my mom told me to shut my trap and get back to work in the rice fields where i belong. unless... mom? is that you? she's always pretending to be someone else when she needs to say something tender, useful, or life-affirming. one time she dressed up as a saigon whore and told me about the facts of life, the birds and the bees, if you will. another time, she robbed then beat me at a gas station, where i worked for 6 years of my post-PhD. life, and as she took the last set of 20's out of the register, she taught me how the british parliament operates. oh, mom *sigh*, we'll always have the Shell Station incident.

but in reality, i fear 3rd world hospitals as much as i fear albino dwarf wrestlers. ever since i was injected with unidentifiable bubbly liquids in La Paz, Bolivia, after a 4 day bout of the dreaded #3 (asspiss), i often see beyond the space-time continuum when the temperature reaches slightly above 80degrees. i haven't trusted doctors since, especially those that look like Edward James Olmos and have fresh placentas littering their office floor.

i've even shelled out some massive bucks for travel insurance but i'm afraid to use it because i fear the power that these large health care organizations wield on weak expendable types like me. they can have me or any of my family members "neutralized" whenever they receive a claim they don't feel like paying. that's how i lost my 2nd pet hamster (Rocket II) and 4th pet hamster (Rocket IV). i swore to avenge both their deaths but i've realized that's a fool's mission.

anyway, i'm pretty good at convincing myself that tomorrow is the day i'll recuperate just like tomorrow's the day i finally get to touch a girl or tomorrow, i'll refrain from donning 8 ounce boxing gloves and punching myself in the groin, repeatedly.

thank you, concerned fan and to you i offer a sick and lonely man's singular applau.

Posted by thejerk at 11:02 AM | Permalink

they crowned a new 2005 useless beeyatch Miss Universe and she's white... how novel. i suppose no one by now expects to see a black miss universe again although we do expect that a black contestant necessarily makes it to the final 5 (so the judges don't appear racist) and that the host country's contestant gets a useless award like, nicest shaved beaver pattern (so the judges don't get lynched).

if you're actually interested in watching the show tonight (May 31st) don't click on the rest of this message because i reveal who won. your choices are narrowed a bit. she's not black, nor ms. thailand. i'll give you a hint: (it's miss canada). i hope you won't be tempted by that hint.

ms. venezuela, i love you even more now because as non-miss universe, you are one step closer to my league.

Posted by thejerk at 02:22 AM | Permalink

yeah, i know, most of you ignorant sausages don't give a flying poo about current events but the commentary i bring today involves nothing you'd expect. i will not bash china for their petulant, undemocratically elected government whose idea of foreign politics is tit-for-tat statesmanship and infantile public declarations. no, i'm not going to drone at length about china's juvenile statements aimed at the US that declare, in essence, "china will not revalue their yuan or change their policies upon the pressure of outside nations" while hypocritically placing demands for japan's prime minister to stop visiting a controversial japanese war memorial and to rewrite japanese text books. no, the chinese don't all have horrible personal hygiene and appear as if they'd woken up from an all night meth bender as they yell out their orders for KFC bucket meal #2.

HK reporter spying, China says, reports BBC news, reported through me.

i will do none of that today. instead, i simply want to point out the name of the man caught for spying: "Ching Cheong"

HA!!! ROFL!!! HAHA!

wtf!? that name actually exists?! i've been called it wandering around as a kid in the ghetto township of Orange, New Jersey. this discovery obviously is a huge step backwards for asian-kind. my defense at the racialist remark was to take comfort that the name doesn't even exist! ugh, back to the drawing board.

and if you're curious, yeah, i'm still deathly sick. the good news is today i ate a meal that didn't consist of iced coffee or gummy bears... actual solids! the bad news is halfway through the meal, it hit and i began my butt clenched scurry to the nearest toilet. good thing i was at the end of this pair of underwear's week long tour of duty. today's "incident" will cause no damage to my laundry rotations but make me question, how'd the corn get in there?

Posted by thejerk at 01:36 AM | Permalink

day 6 and my body is torn to shreds. i'm sooo c-c-cold. but on a lighter note:

this article shows another reason why i never truly belonged in San Francisco. call me crazy but i tend to keep my "munchkin punching" habits to more secluded areas, like my grandma's dark linen closet or the bathroom at the local Arby's down the street.

i imagine it'd be difficult to perform under such close scrutiny but if i know anything about SF and the deviant lumberjacks fresh off their recent back shavings that attend these events, the pressure could be prohibitive. the scene will look as such: 200 overweight, burly men naked only from the waste down pumping away vigorously while awkwardly glancing into each others' eyes to monitor the competition. those going for longest duration have their work cut out for them. the real challenge would be to release your love batter as quickly as possible under such a harsh and inhospitable environment.

san franciscans sicken me but if anyone happens to be at the event, send me some polaroids! party time!

Posted by thejerk at 02:22 AM | Permalink

i received a one day reprieve but now i'm back swimming in bile and excrement. i have no energy to go out nor an appetite. it's a travesty that so many pad see ewe's have found no home in the past 4 days. is it lyme disease or chicken flu? maybe it was the 4 hookers i offered a group discount to last week. look, when you're as sexually ambiguous as me, they become the customers.

what gorgeous timing too. tim tayag, in bangkok on a weekend bender from manila had to "see the sites" on his own.

in the past 4 days, i've:

• eaten 1/2 a meal (w/ tim tayag nonetheless)


• laid indoors excreting fluids 22 of 24 hours a day


• defiled myself only once


• attempted to defile myself 19 times (w/ tim tayag nonetheless)

i don't say any of this for sympathy. i'm highlighting that sometimes this whole travel bit isn't as glamorous as it sounds. ok, i can't lie, it is all glamorous and i am doing this for sympathy... so shower me. i mean literally, someone needs to bathe me.

any quack amateur diagnosis or home remedy would be greatly appreciated!

Posted by thejerk at 04:24 AM | Permalink

i sure do love being sick all the time!

i don't do much on an average day here in Bangkok but at least i have the option of doing something, that is, if i'm not sick. instead, the past 4 days, i've done very little not by choice you see. i was forced to lay and writhe in a pool of my own sweat and feces while wiping myself down with a rag on a stick. it was pretty hairy but i think i'm mostly through the worst part. my main goal today is to get some cleaning agents and scrub down my room which may actually be beyond repair. if i can't get the stains off the walls and ceiling, i'll just slip outta here in the middle of the night and have it become someone else's problem. huge!

Posted by thejerk at 05:04 AM | Permalink

i'm as sick as a dog right now... it could've been anything i ate or didn't eat but nearly all signs point to the last batch of pad see ewe chicken's undercooked fowl. but in keeping with my new chinese new year's resolution, i'm trying to post once a day and further enrich your miserable lives with no brainer observations and half-witted travel tales. enjoy:

ny times hot dog issue

makes me wanna brave the daily NYC knife fights just to get my hands on some gorgeous sweaty wieners. the hot dogs look delicious too.

time to go die.

Posted by thejerk at 06:54 AM | Permalink

i'm doing something right... i'm getting foreign hate mail! she seems to genuinely dislike me and the rich content of travel stories i provide. read between the lines and you see her latent sexual attraction and desperate request to molest my hairy bean bag. i mean it, she really seems to have taken the otherwise innocuous thejerk.org to be personally offensive! what a kook!

today marks the first of hopefully many outraged "fans" attempting to lash out at me with childish and poorly worded insults as well as sophomoric psych 101 mental evaluations. look, i was raised by a pack of wild dingos so your words only offer comfort from a childhood of neglectful latchkey parenting (because it's well known that dingos work all night leaving the kids at home alone) and an adolesence marked by the stigma of being a social pariah all through grades K-12.

her email (including header - note the .fr french domain):

From: "Leila XXXXX" [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: jerk jerk jerk

You ARE a jerk. What's the point of travelling if it's only to insult
the local cultures and people??? You must be a pathetic little man who
needs to attract some attention to his insignificant self. The fact that you have only unpleasant things to say about a country, shows a high level of ignorance and anger (probably a small penis and erection problems). asian people are losers.

ok ok, i added the bit about asian people but the rest is authentic.

this is my reply email to her which if i've worded it correctly will start a protracted email war which will ultimately end in IM cyber sex. on a related note, it's a well known fact that arguing on the internet is like special olympics: no matter who wins or loses, you're still a retard. so step your clogs up, missy and put up your dukes because i'm coming out swinging.

you just wanna see me naked... wish granted. see attached jpg file. gotta warn you, it's a big file. my man boobs take up quite a bit of space. don't mind the circus clown and wheelchaired guy i'm sandwiched in between. they're "just friends (i.e. guys i met on an all night glue sniffing bender)."

way to spew forth worn cliches. it's surprising you didn't advise me to travel to learn new things and meet interesting people. get off yourself. your feeble attempts show brainpower just strong enough to power your cocoa colored double donger vibrator. that pain you got when you wrote your unwarranted and uninformed hate mail is a result of "thinking" too hard. try to rest more in between generating your insightful observations and next time, actually read the content and you'll find it really insults local cultures very little you fortified assclown lukewarm dingleberry upwind poobag fortified assclown.

---"small penis and erection problems"--- you're right on both counts although i wouldn't consider having an all day hard-on necessarily a problem, unless of course it's sunday mass and your mom catches you with wood during communion. now that's embarrassing but endearing in a thirteen year old boyish sorta way (except replace the word "thirteen" with 28 and "boyish" with "boy-scoutish").

oh and when you're trying to cover up your identity like a coward by using a hotmail.fr account, you may not want to email me from an amsterdam IP address. good attempt because your hatred and inner rage nearly made me believe you were french. next time, throw in some incorrect english and a few references to surrendering and you'd gain a bit more credibility.

and as a special treat for being my first hate mail, i've automatically subscribed you to my blog and photo notifications (as well as several hundred kiddie porn websites - and no, i didn't have them bookmarked. well not all of them. ok, all of them, i hate you for knowing). there's no need to thank me. your miserable life is thanks enough.

warmest regards,

the jerk

for the record, i welcome all emails, from half-hearted praise (mainly reserved for family and friends) to death threats. wait, don't send me death threats, i'm a bit sensitive ever since i made Santa Claus' hit list for writing how i disliked the "hand stitched" socks in 1993. from then on, every christmas is a new adventure finding another hiding spot where the elves won't find me shivering and weeping and beat me to a bloody pulp. i suppose, if i were that little and forced to wear tights, i'd be angry too.

Posted by thejerk at 05:18 AM | Permalink

Modern science has pinpointed and eradicated a host of grave problems. Now comes the news in 2005 that a dilemma that has plagued many overweight 4th of july bbq masters has finally been solve: buns thrown in the garbage for lack of a meaty mate.

Packaging problem that plagued hot dog lovers solved (reported by ABC news - chicago)

By Frank Mathie
May 17, 2005 — At one time or another all shoppers have faced the hot dog and hot dog bun dilemma. You either have to buy too many hot dogs or too few buns or you end up with extra buns and not enough dogs. But now dogs are dogs and buns are buns and finally the twain have met...

http://abclocal.go.com/wls/news/051705_ns_hot_dogs.html

Unmentioned and unrepentant Hebrew National is one of the worst offenders in this realm, serving up 7 franks per package where on average, buns come in a sack of 8. Do the calculus and you'd realize the travesty in buying such large unmatched portions of buns and franks in order to avoid food waste and your subsequent financial ruin.

I mean, come on, it's the '00s for the love of Ezekiel. Why did the scientists and researchers wait so long? Should we begin questioning our federal grant allocations?

Now if they can only fix the problem of bun length where all hot dogs hang the obligatory 1/4 inch off both ends, we may be traveling down the road to world peace and further American hegemony.

Posted by thejerk at 02:16 AM | Permalink

TGIT (thank Ganesh it's techmology). due to americans' overwhelming hysteria over remote possibility scenarios, sex offenders can easily be mapped with state governments' web sites and furthermore harrassed into moving away. if everything goes as the government intends, this should relocate the majority of offenders to where they belong: Las Vegas and Reno, Nevada.

http://www.meganslaw.ca.gov/search.asp (for cookie reasons, direct link unavailable)

perform a zip code search for "90266" and you get one sex offender located at the exact spot the chunky sack and syrian nightmare live. this supports a long suspicion i've had but i'd naturally assumed both, not only one, were miscreants.

that troublemaking group american civil liberties union (ACLU) is fighting what they call a "clear violation of civil rights" but they obviously haven't thought of the benefits. besides keeping our kids and korean-american man-breasted citizens safer, it provides a great social networking tool for sex offenders to meet other eligible sex offenders. think of it as a "friendster" for perverts (moreso).

Posted by thejerk at 10:37 PM | Permalink

a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, actors were miscast, dialogue was forced, and a plot was mistaken for a director's hurried desire to tie up loose ends. "Luke! Leia!"... fall princess amedala.

i caught the premiere of star wars III in bangkok without the usual hassle associated with opening day Star Wars tickets in america. this proves beyond a doubt the Thai population has few live-at-home, 3-game-console-owning, kling-on linguistly skilled, sci-fi dorks running around among them especially having seen pictures of the painfully large amounts of chewbaccas and storm troopers lined up for Los Angeles, California premieres. get a life or a real hobby, Syrian Nightmare and chunky sack! just because you can dress as chewbacca w/o the aid of a costume doesn't mean you should. chunky sack, your R2D2 droid appeared accurate but surely the proportions must have been, let's just say, ample. a 4 foot diamater R2D2 don't cut it, buster.

other than the visuals, the movie was a huge disappointment but i'm glad the series has come to its inevitable end with a resounding thud. the highly anticipated full penetration sex scene was glaringly omitted and who would've thought this galaxy far far away had scientists who were so capable with in-vitro fertilization (for those of you that haven't seen the movie yet, sorry, i just gave away the ending). in the movie's favor, i give ewan mcgregor full credit in spite of - definitely not as a result of - Lucas' poor direction. samuel l. jackson's performance could have been enhanced had his character been called on to use more "ethnic" phrases appropriate to samuel l. jackson. e.g. "shiiit, ma little green negro."

the one idea from the movie that keeps me alive with hope is this: a planet in this universe exists that is inhabited solely by wookies. ahhh, paradise. anyone else smell an all wookie sequel? yeah, me neither and what a pity that is.

the jerk movie critic

p.s. no word on the miss universe young type LADIES!

if you're still reading, i thank you both.

Posted by thejerk at 07:54 AM | Permalink

Demand drives BJ Services profit up 50% (reported by marketwatch.com)

it's in print so it's gotta be true

don't bother clicking on the link

Posted by thejerk at 10:46 AM | Permalink

curse those ms. universe people! how rude! without consulting me, they just up and left to Phuket (pronounced "pookhet", you ignorami who pronounced it more lewdly) island today. but how can i stay mad when so much nubile flesh is at stake. ms. venezuela, i still love you.

apparently they're yucking it up with the Phuket islanders and sideburn-less sex tourists, most likely of germanian nationality. i'm sure ms. germany 2005 is happy about being surrounded by the worst of her countryfolk.

on phuket, ms. thailand's proudly "displaying" what her country has to offer on the destination that's solely driven by sex-tourism and where success at the end of a drinking night is measured in the amount of baht she costs to take home.

thai chicks, you're better than this (read: take me instead!).

Posted by thejerk at 07:29 AM | Permalink

in anticipation of "meeting" the ms. universe contestants, i procured the following necessary items:

1 lense, telephoto (2x, effectively making my camera 20x)
1 converter, for said telephoto lense
4 batteries, rechargeable Ni-MH AAA
1 vaseline, 18 oz. tub of
1 butterfly knife, double edged

ok, ok, i didn't get a knife or a tub of vaseline but the adventure certainly began today. i, and my canadian fellow stalker, Les, tracked the potential ms. universes to their hotel in downtown Bangkok. we'd anticipated plenty of security and an unruly crowd of fellow perverts (and the odd sex-tourist) but to our surprise, we'd timed it perfectly. not a single fan (fanatic) occupied the premises and we were left to enjoy the beauties, all clad in matching white, without dilution from other ms. universe enthusiasts. one by one, they were loaded onto their buses en route to eat waif amounts of dinner. and yes, they were indeed wearing the sashes that identify from which country they hail.

in an overly excited state, i fumbled to pull out my, now 20x zoom camera and snapped a few pictures. it was dark and rainy and i was distracted by the ms. universes waving at me. i poo you not, my friends. they were actually waving at me - at me! honestly, i thought their smiles and friendliness, as seen on tv in previous ms. universe competitions, was completely artificial but what i saw today made me believe in god(s). of course ms. france maintained the aloofness characteristic of anyone whose country is known for accordian music and red berets.

the pictorial result is disappointing but remember, this is only day 1. the lovely young ladies leave on the first of June, 15 full days away.

as the buses drove away, i brushed the tears off my swollen cheek and poignantly mouthed the words, "i love you," to each person on the bus. the only response was mouthed back by the male thai bus driver, "i love you too."

more to come...

Posted by thejerk at 07:52 AM | Permalink

the Miss Universe Pageant 2005 is in Bangkok and as luck would have it, so am i with absolutely nothing to do but pull out the 10x (camera, that is), and go 'a stalkin'.

the pageant site really bites... half the contestants' pictures aren't posted so invariably, i won't have a chosen target for my pictures:

http://www.missuniverse.com/mainevent/index.html

your hard-working correspondent arduously constructed a special page to view all the contestants (w/ available pictures) on one page:

ms. finland looks lovely in her recent high school picture. i wonder if she won prom queen this year.

check out the interviews. in bitch-slap fashion, ms. thailand's accent-less english (more accurately an american/canadian accent), gives an indication as to which continent raised her. even more egregious, in total downward motion bitch-slap fashion, ms. great britain also speaks "the proper american's english!"

i'm liking miss USA's chances.

in an obligatory bid to avoid being labeled racist, i declare that i like ms. ethiopia's chances as well. good luck to you my african queen. there, now i'm off the hook. let us continue with a clean conscience.

i'm betting on ms. India to lose (what happened this year?! they field such consistently "talented" girls every year!). i mean, after seeing her atrocious picture, i almost didn't fondle myself. and wtf is "teckking" as listed as one of her.

speaking of talent, i wonder what thailand's delegate will do for her special talent. if i were to guess.... well, let's just hold our breaths and hope it's not what we think it'll be.

more to come...

Posted by thejerk at 10:53 AM | Permalink

for the love of pete, i can't believe i exclusively wore shorts/pants for the past 30 yrs of my life, although admittedly very seldom as possible. enter, my 28 day flirtation with a dress, which is the default form of apparel for fashionable burmese men.

Posted by thejerk at 03:58 AM | Permalink

Canon PowerShot S2 IS: Digital Photography Review

look, i'm not asking for much (just $400). if anyone wants to get me an early birthday/chanukkah/festivus present, get me this beauty:

after having seen this product, we all now know the answer to the age-old question: what's better than my current 10x zoom camera? (a: 12x zoom w/ stereo sound & 5m-pixel!)

i promise a lot more perving if you get me this. i'll even splurge for the 2x telephoto lense so nobody's private space is longer safe under the watchful lense of my 24x zoom. delicious!

Posted by thejerk at 02:07 AM | Permalink

Burma, what a swell country full of swell people and sweltering weather. More updates to come.

highlights include:

- more temples and pagodas than you can imagine
- your humble explorer dons a dress (for a month straight), uh, in the name of research. yeah, that's it. research.
- the friendliest people on the planet
- the worst (or one of the worst) governments on the planet

click here for pictures

regards,
il jerkino

Posted by thejerk at 11:06 PM | Permalink

what a trip! diarrhea, nausea, discomfort, and that's just 2/3 of the time i was in Myanmar!

i'm slowly getting back into the swing of things so bear with me as i catch up on all the web surfing i've missed this past month in internet-less burma. once completed, i'll send out some pictures and whatever else i usually do.

in the month i was there, i only covered 1/10 of the entire country - lower myanmar and Rakhine state. transportation is atrocious but the burmese are an amazing breed of people with no equal in any countries i've been. a follow up trip is in order.

on an unrelated note, it's time to celebrate! i received my first hate mail indicating my site is actually irritating people. how appropriate the hate-mailer is french. details to come later.

Posted by thejerk at 06:30 AM | Permalink