pocket silver medalist, shawn johnson

oh yes she is. isn't she. yes she is.

watch the following video and i'm confident you'll agree she's the cutest olympian since Atlanta/Sydney games Bulgarian weightlifter and 2 1/2 pack-a-day smoker, pocket hercules.

watch the video after the jump

(www.mcclatchydc.com)

absolute genius. my hat's off to the chinese butt fondler. it's the perfect situation for vengeanceless grab ass, really. you're in front of millions on international television. in the spotlight, your victim has little recourse but to endure a tender caress lest she make a dramatic scene that has international incident written all over it. check... no check mate.

that decides it; from this day forward, i train day and night to be a top ranked female beach volleyball olympian. (anyone know of under-16 tournaments in the greater metropolitan San Francisco bay area?)

i'm a well known humanitarian and a man whose heart yearns to save dolphins and end all suffering in the world. with that in mind, i'm generous enough to leave you with some images from the olympic games (from the perspective of those incorrigible germans):

http://www.stern.de/olympia2008/fotostrecken/:Fotostrecke-Die-Bilder-Spiele/634192.html?cp=29

if perverted photography were an olympic event, the germans would easily take home the gold and platinum. is there a country that loves an olympic wedgie more than the germans? i know not, my friends. i know not.

(nbcolympics.com)

it behooves the IOC to help combat olympics apathy and bring dignity back to the olympics... allow bear boxing w/ sexy ring card chimpanzees.

i hear the collective (drooling) masses already chanting:
let them play... let them play... let them play.

and here's arguably the cuter of the mikes (certainly the sexier of the two) watching television:

on a side note, that thar's the greatest tv show ever! Wednesdays NBC @ 4:30pm: "Mr. Sack Grabber" (all rights reserved).

http://www.whocanisue.com/
http://www.sueeasy.com/
http://www.legalmatch.com/

like an internet dating service, these websites match up the desperate (e.g. me) with litigious scavengers of the western world. it's kinda like match.com for the (more) morally bankrupt. the websites allow you to post how you were nominally wronged and a lawyer presumably responds with a dollar amount attainable for the perceived tort.

reflecting carefully, i fear that maybe the terrorists are right after all and i'm starting to see their perspective. i'm however, working overtime with a slew of other holy wars to devote any energy to this one. one jihad at a time, please. on second thought, i need the fast cash and i'm through turning tricks in San Francisco's colorfully named, "tenderloin" district. lawsuit me, my good man and nuts to terrorism, for now.

now leave me alone so i can continue to trawl these "law" websites for any class action lawsuits i can hone in on. failing this, my only recourse is to stop traveling and hire prostitutes overflowing with disease.

thejerk legal advice: wear a neck-brace and you win every time, either in a court of law or more importantly, the court of comedy.

who to watch for? my phD's in off-track sports betting along with a healthy mix of experience allows me to unequivocally predict one thing about the women's clean and jerk competition: the gods do not permit a heterosexual winner. this fact alone prevents a relatively attractive USA's Melanie Roach from successfully competing against her less heterosexual counterparts. keep your eyes and ears peeled for the following competitors:

Korean, Jang Mi-Ran - a lot of Galbi was required to build this woman. and it'll take a lot more to take her down.
Russian, Oxana Slivenko - little is known about this powerhouse of the Soviet school of jerking and cleaning.
USA, Cheryl Haworth - America's belated answer to the Great Wall of China.

on the men's side, i'm known to choose the competitor with the thickest mustache and a nickname that starts with "pocket". historically however, the greatest clean and jerkers have an annoying variety of c's, Z's and V's sprinkled in their names. logically this points us in the direction of eastern europe or central asia where science has proven a strong correlation between unusually high boredom levels that make lifting increasingly heavy objects an attractive alternative to doing anything other than lifting increasingly heavy objects.

keep your eyes on:

Polish, Grzegorz Kleszcz - with this number of c's, z's and more z's, this guy's a shoe-in for the gold! did i say gold? i meant a foot long ham sandwich.
Russian, Andrei Rybakov - or as he's more intimately known: "Rybbi"
Bulgarian, Velichoko Cholakov - aka, "the cholo"

and let's not forget our emotional favorite:
Baeyoung Lee - the korean 'pocket hercules' (if i may)

at the end of the day, it's not about winners and losers. simply to compete in the presence of such physically honed olympic athletes is enough to inspire anyone with awe:

(Olympic athletes - nbcolympics.com)

a photo journal of how one newsweek photographer gears up for the olympics:

(http://www.vincentlaforet.com/Gear/large-1.html)

c'mon, does the guy really need 6 camera bodies!?!? why not donate one to a particularly deserving jerk that's down on his luck: the jerk @ thejerk.org!

China Celebrates Its Status As World's Number One Air Polluter

slideshow's a feature provided free by the piclens people over there on their website. it's simple to run a boring standard slideshow but for full screen 3D action, install a firefox or IE addon and you'll have photos flying around you in no time. Previously, you could use piclens to view 3D photos and video on some great sites like flickr, facebook, youtube, and google. now another top web property supports piclens: thejerk.org. don't get me wrong, forked dong devils, the slideshow works without the add-on but for the best 3D experience, it behooves you to install the piclens addon. and while you're at it, you might as well snap some photos of that forked dong of yours and have a doctor look at your photo in piclens' 3D environment.

this is just one of the many ways i'm employing underpaid sweatshop laborers in guangdong, china to bring you high quality, low cost content.

oh you thought that was it, didn't you!? you were gonna go try out the piclens application weren't you?! you were picking up that phone to inquire about elective cosmetic surgery? not so fast, Vegetable Lasagna, because there's more! i had my enforcers at the guangdong factory beat out another fine feature from my underaged employees:

there are only lowlights in this set of photos including:

1) my belly increasing in total girth some 30% (not pictured)
2) lovely beaches filled with blood sucking sand flies and oddly shaped british people
3) fish thali, which depending on the particular day, can be great or the worst thing on earth. it was mostly bad on andaman (also not pictured)

los fotos aqui, senoritas

until next time!

brush and floss

if you guessed A or 4d, you're horribly wrong and possibly disfigured in and around the facial area. in fact, you'd me more correct if you selected all of the above, a choice i didn't take the time to make an option for.

in truth, despite 3 straight months at the beach in Thailand, Sri Lanka and India, i didn't feel myself re-energizing to tackle more of my arduous travel and photography schedule. furthermore, there's only so much vegetarian food a man can take in India before he goes insane! i'll be the first to hypothesize a direct link between a diet deprived of meat with the sexual depravity of Indian men. Sociologists, get to work!

my travels resume late september where i'll again begin daily battles with public male urination/masturbation, the bubonic plague and worst of all, forced vegetarianism. if you know me, you're well aware i hate every form of -ism on earth (except capitalism).

thejerk.org will remain more active than ever during my vacation from my vacation so keep your browser's homepage locked into this uniform resource locator (url) on the good ol' ISH (information super-highway). 8/8/08 begins my coverage of all heavy metallic weights cleaned and jerked during the 696th Summer Olympiad. as part of the coverage, we'll also stroll down memory lane to a time when it was acceptable to use the words 'pocket hercules' and 'snatch' in the same sentence without fear of litigation.

hasta la proxima vez, pendejitas!

since february, i've jetted from one beach vacation to another to avoid my traveling and photographic duties. from one of my vacations comes this gem of a photo teaser:

i allow you to click through the above photo to my flickr teaser photos and gawk at my sublime abilities with a shutter. not pictured during these mini-vacations is my sublime ability to eat, gain weight, then do nothing to work the excess kilogram-age off. i'm a fat bastard now. someone, put me out of my misery, please.

Mongolia Part II

China Part III

China Part IV

Tibet

Nepal Part I

Nepal Part II

India Part I

India Part II

you may also notice the scant comments. i'm on vacation in Thailand so deal with it. or suck it, if i may.