Break In Case of Emergency
What's wrong w/ this situation?
hit the jump for the answer
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August 21, 2009
August 19, 2009
Seller's Market
If you've donated any clothes, they might end up here:
Strangely enough, the shirt is for the Livingston Lancers, my neighboring town's high school, half a globe away. Surely one of those upper middle class mothers sent this donation in to assuage her guilt at living an wasteful and unsustainable lifestyle. The town's full of rich people, you see. Joke's on her though... someone's hijacked the donated shipment to make a quick profit and the rich mom's karma is unaffected because the shirt didn't end up on the back of the needy.
Lose-lose, all around! (except for the unscrupulous hijacker. he gets off pretty well at the end of the day)
May 05, 2009
Locate me
This'll probably make some of you privacy freaks out there, er, freak.
It's Google latitude showing my exactly location at any point in time. Unfortunately I don't update latitude automatically by mobile phone but instead manually plug in my coordinates whenever I remember. The "detect my location by ISP" update option is absolute shite - which always puts me in downtown Palo Alto, California - so the manual option is all I have.
As of right now, I'm undecided on permanently sticking this thing in the left sidebar but it's about time I retire that crappy blue "where am i" globe over there.
If you've been to India, you learn to live with little to no privacy. As a result, I won't lose any sleep over such silly self-aggrandizing concerns. If someone has so little in his life that he's actually thinking of stalking me, he has far greater issues than me. Frankly, I could use the company so I welcome any of my mentally imbalanced readers to come find me. Currently, I'm in the greater Chennai metro area in India. Swing by. We'll have a masala chai and hurl insults at the natives.
February 17, 2009
Back in the Saddle Again
After 6 months of excrutiating boredom and withstanding bitter winter weather waiting for weddings in America, I'm finally back where I belong: living the life of a godless, wandering gypsy with a penchant for diet cola beverages. Scanning the upcoming television lineup, I feel I left America not a minute too soon. A reality TV show about the debatably interesting lives of Jockeys (of the horse variety) was near its premiere, a clear indication in my mind that studio executives have exhausted all viable programming ideas. In retrospect, it should've become evident to me when the 16th faux-judge program filled the coveted 1:30-2:00 mid-afternoon timeslot or when every other show title contained at least one of the following words: experiment, project, chronicles, diaries, confessions. For all of us that grew up in the 80's, there is and always will be one daytime judge that doles out hot justice with a side of sass - Wopner be thy name.
6 months of mind-numbing torpor and unbridled food overconsumption has left my once-magnificent body pushing the 200 lbs boundary, a shameful 40 lbs over my 1976 "Mr. Metropolitan Pyongyang" pageant weight. During this wedding waiting period, I was confined to my childhood home where daily movement was strictly limited to a range of motion that encompassed a 20 foot radius from my room to the kitchen and the bathroom (necessarily in that order). This inactivity has rendered my muscles in an advanced state of atrophy and induced the newest of my diagnosed diseases - cello scrotum. Cello scrotum is yet another concocted rich-world disease in which the pressure of a cello causes irreparable harm to the testes. The mystery is, I've never played the cello in my life but now we know, you can contract this disease by sitting around eating potato chips in your underwear watching Sex in the City reruns.
The downtime at home, however, wasn't a complete waste. Besides taking care of some long overdue medical issues, I caught up on my facebook and twitter reading but most importantly, I've finally launched my new website:
My photography was unintentionally encroaching on this website's jerkiness so I finally decided to separate the two. Jerks & rapscallions form a line over here, travel photography fans over there... religious fanatics, you'll have to wait until early 2010 (www.DefaultingToMindlessFaithBasedExplanations.edu). On Daily Travel Photos, as the name implies, I'll release one new photo each day at 10pm Eastern Time. Your drooling promptly ensues at 10:01pm.
And although not yet implemented, I plan to slowly rewrite all of my award-winning thejerk.org content and I may even use proper punctuation and grammar this time. However, if you're expecting an overhaul of the site's juvenile humor, don't hold your breath. By rewriting/rewording my past stories, I hope to eliminate filth-seeking google referrals as identified by the top 10 keywords that arrived at thejerk.org:
July 29, 2008
the clean and jerk (from home, so to speak)
3 thumbs up to anyone that can guess why thejerk is back home in the US&A for the summer (multiple choice):
a) much like a high class call-girl, i'm sick and tired of traveling, changing beds every other night, and chock full of rare STDs. i need a break.
b) the man formerly known as "chunky sack" has hung up his dried and shriveled gonads to get married (this time to a vertebrate). his hairline wasn't getting any thicker, folks, so he locked something down while he had the chance!
3) need uninterrupted time to provide my full in-depth coverage of the 2008 Olympics Clean and Jerk competition (the Snatch, not so much). we, here at thejerk.org are single-handedly fighting olympics apathy, one ridiculous 'sporting' event at a time.
f) it's hot as fark in india and they're on the verge of the dreaded monsoon season. 120 degrees, muggy, and perma-moist crotch is no way to go through life, kids.
4d) 4 1/2 words: Hollywood summer blockbusters. (read: Mamma Mia, the global smash hit!)
4e) equipment upgrades/purchases including but not limited to, 70-200mm lens repair, new core 2 duo non-mac laptop, and possibly change incinerate the same 3 pairs of underwear i've worn for the past 2 years.
if you guessed A or 4d, you're horribly wrong and possibly disfigured in and around the facial area. in fact, you'd me more correct if you selected all of the above, a choice i didn't take the time to make an option for.
in truth, despite 3 straight months at the beach in Thailand, Sri Lanka and India, i didn't feel myself re-energizing to tackle more of my arduous travel and photography schedule. furthermore, there's only so much vegetarian food a man can take in India before he goes insane! i'll be the first to hypothesize a direct link between a diet deprived of meat with the sexual depravity of Indian men. Sociologists, get to work!
my travels resume late september where i'll again begin daily battles with public male urination/masturbation, the bubonic plague and worst of all, forced vegetarianism. if you know me, you're well aware i hate every form of -ism on earth (except capitalism).
thejerk.org will remain more active than ever during my vacation from my vacation so keep your browser's homepage locked into this uniform resource locator (url) on the good ol' ISH (information super-highway). 8/8/08 begins my coverage of all heavy metallic weights cleaned and jerked during the 696th Summer Olympiad. as part of the coverage, we'll also stroll down memory lane to a time when it was acceptable to use the words 'pocket hercules' and 'snatch' in the same sentence without fear of litigation.
hasta la proxima vez, pendejitas!
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