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August 09, 2008

weightlifting preview

the world's greatest clean and jerkers, fresh off their unpaid leave from FedEx have converged in Beijing carrying not only their freshly pressed spandex tights but also an international mandate to declare who among them is the strongest athlete on earth. this year it's time to put human rights violations and an unlawful invasion of Tibet on hold for 2 weeks because by god, it must be determined who can lift the largest quantity of metal over his/her head.

who to watch for? my phD's in off-track sports betting along with a healthy mix of experience allows me to unequivocally predict one thing about the women's clean and jerk competition: the gods do not permit a heterosexual winner. this fact alone prevents a relatively attractive USA's Melanie Roach from successfully competing against her less heterosexual counterparts. keep your eyes and ears peeled for the following competitors:

Korean, Jang Mi-Ran - a lot of Galbi was required to build this woman. and it'll take a lot more to take her down.
Russian, Oxana Slivenko - little is known about this powerhouse of the Soviet school of jerking and cleaning.
USA, Cheryl Haworth - America's belated answer to the Great Wall of China.

on the men's side, i'm known to choose the competitor with the thickest mustache and a nickname that starts with "pocket". historically however, the greatest clean and jerkers have an annoying variety of c's, Z's and V's sprinkled in their names. logically this points us in the direction of eastern europe or central asia where science has proven a strong correlation between unusually high boredom levels that make lifting increasingly heavy objects an attractive alternative to doing anything other than lifting increasingly heavy objects.

keep your eyes on:

Polish, Grzegorz Kleszcz - with this number of c's, z's and more z's, this guy's a shoe-in for the gold! did i say gold? i meant a foot long ham sandwich.
Russian, Andrei Rybakov - or as he's more intimately known: "Rybbi"
Bulgarian, Velichoko Cholakov - aka, "the cholo"

and let's not forget our emotional favorite:
Baeyoung Lee - the korean 'pocket hercules' (if i may)

at the end of the day, it's not about winners and losers. simply to compete in the presence of such physically honed olympic athletes is enough to inspire anyone with awe:

(Olympic athletes -

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August 08, 2008

gearing up for the olympics

as i post this link, drool slowly drips down my chin and although i can't be certain, i have a strong suspicion it moved in an east west fashion.

a photo journal of how one newsweek photographer gears up for the olympics:


c'mon, does the guy really need 6 camera bodies!?!? why not donate one to a particularly deserving jerk that's down on his luck: the jerk @!

August 05, 2008

China Number One

in case you haven't heard enough about china's air pollution problems, here's one from the hard hitting truth angle. the fake news:

China Celebrates Its Status As World's Number One Air Polluter

[ Section for displaying ads ]

July 29, 2008

the clean and jerk (from home, so to speak)

3 thumbs up to anyone that can guess why thejerk is back home in the US&A for the summer (multiple choice):

a) much like a high class call-girl, i'm sick and tired of traveling, changing beds every other night, and chock full of rare STDs. i need a break.

b) the man formerly known as "chunky sack" has hung up his dried and shriveled gonads to get married (this time to a vertebrate). his hairline wasn't getting any thicker, folks, so he locked something down while he had the chance!

3) need uninterrupted time to provide my full in-depth coverage of the 2008 Olympics Clean and Jerk competition (the Snatch, not so much). we, here at are single-handedly fighting olympics apathy, one ridiculous 'sporting' event at a time.

f) it's hot as fark in india and they're on the verge of the dreaded monsoon season. 120 degrees, muggy, and perma-moist crotch is no way to go through life, kids.

4d) 4 1/2 words: Hollywood summer blockbusters. (read: Mamma Mia, the global smash hit!)

4e) equipment upgrades/purchases including but not limited to, 70-200mm lens repair, new core 2 duo non-mac laptop, and possibly change incinerate the same 3 pairs of underwear i've worn for the past 2 years.

if you guessed A or 4d, you're horribly wrong and possibly disfigured in and around the facial area. in fact, you'd me more correct if you selected all of the above, a choice i didn't take the time to make an option for.

in truth, despite 3 straight months at the beach in Thailand, Sri Lanka and India, i didn't feel myself re-energizing to tackle more of my arduous travel and photography schedule. furthermore, there's only so much vegetarian food a man can take in India before he goes insane! i'll be the first to hypothesize a direct link between a diet deprived of meat with the sexual depravity of Indian men. Sociologists, get to work!

my travels resume late september where i'll again begin daily battles with public male urination/masturbation, the bubonic plague and worst of all, forced vegetarianism. if you know me, you're well aware i hate every form of -ism on earth (except capitalism). will remain more active than ever during my vacation from my vacation so keep your browser's homepage locked into this uniform resource locator (url) on the good ol' ISH (information super-highway). 8/8/08 begins my coverage of all heavy metallic weights cleaned and jerked during the 696th Summer Olympiad. as part of the coverage, we'll also stroll down memory lane to a time when it was acceptable to use the words 'pocket hercules' and 'snatch' in the same sentence without fear of litigation.

hasta la proxima vez, pendejitas!

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