After 6 months of excrutiating boredom and withstanding bitter winter weather waiting for weddings in America, I'm finally back where I belong: living the life of a godless, wandering gypsy with a penchant for diet cola beverages. Scanning the upcoming television lineup, I feel I left America not a minute too soon. A reality TV show about the debatably interesting lives of Jockeys (of the horse variety) was near its premiere, a clear indication in my mind that studio executives have exhausted all viable programming ideas. In retrospect, it should've become evident to me when the 16th faux-judge program filled the coveted 1:30-2:00 mid-afternoon timeslot or when every other show title contained at least one of the following words: experiment, project, chronicles, diaries, confessions. For all of us that grew up in the 80's, there is and always will be one daytime judge that doles out hot justice with a side of sass - Wopner be thy name.

6 months of mind-numbing torpor and unbridled food overconsumption has left my once-magnificent body pushing the 200 lbs boundary, a shameful 40 lbs over my 1976 "Mr. Metropolitan Pyongyang" pageant weight. During this wedding waiting period, I was confined to my childhood home where daily movement was strictly limited to a range of motion that encompassed a 20 foot radius from my room to the kitchen and the bathroom (necessarily in that order). This inactivity has rendered my muscles in an advanced state of atrophy and induced the newest of my diagnosed diseases - cello scrotum. Cello scrotum is yet another concocted rich-world disease in which the pressure of a cello causes irreparable harm to the testes. The mystery is, I've never played the cello in my life but now we know, you can contract this disease by sitting around eating potato chips in your underwear watching Sex in the City reruns.

The downtime at home, however, wasn't a complete waste. Besides taking care of some long overdue medical issues, I caught up on my facebook and twitter reading but most importantly, I've finally launched my new website:

www.dailytravelphotos.com.

My photography was unintentionally encroaching on this website's jerkiness so I finally decided to separate the two. Jerks & rapscallions form a line over here, travel photography fans over there... religious fanatics, you'll have to wait until early 2010 (www.DefaultingToMindlessFaithBasedExplanations.edu). On Daily Travel Photos, as the name implies, I'll release one new photo each day at 10pm Eastern Time. Your drooling promptly ensues at 10:01pm.

And although not yet implemented, I plan to slowly rewrite all of my award-winning thejerk.org content and I may even use proper punctuation and grammar this time. However, if you're expecting an overhaul of the site's juvenile humor, don't hold your breath. By rewriting/rewording my past stories, I hope to eliminate filth-seeking google referrals as identified by the top 10 keywords that arrived at thejerk.org: