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Back in the Saddle Again

After 6 months of excrutiating boredom and withstanding bitter winter weather waiting for weddings in America, I'm finally back where I belong: living the life of a godless, wandering gypsy with a penchant for diet cola beverages. Scanning the upcoming television lineup, I feel I left America not a minute too soon. A reality TV show about the debatably interesting lives of Jockeys (of the horse variety) was near its premiere, a clear indication in my mind that studio executives have exhausted all viable programming ideas. In retrospect, it should've become evident to me when the 16th faux-judge program filled the coveted 1:30-2:00 mid-afternoon timeslot or when every other show title contained at least one of the following words: experiment, project, chronicles, diaries, confessions. For all of us that grew up in the 80's, there is and always will be one daytime judge that doles out hot justice with a side of sass - Wopner be thy name.

6 months of mind-numbing torpor and unbridled food overconsumption has left my once-magnificent body pushing the 200 lbs boundary, a shameful 40 lbs over my 1976 "Mr. Metropolitan Pyongyang" pageant weight. During this wedding waiting period, I was confined to my childhood home where daily movement was strictly limited to a range of motion that encompassed a 20 foot radius from my room to the kitchen and the bathroom (necessarily in that order). This inactivity has rendered my muscles in an advanced state of atrophy and induced the newest of my diagnosed diseases - cello scrotum. Cello scrotum is yet another concocted rich-world disease in which the pressure of a cello causes irreparable harm to the testes. The mystery is, I've never played the cello in my life but now we know, you can contract this disease by sitting around eating potato chips in your underwear watching Sex in the City reruns.

The downtime at home, however, wasn't a complete waste. Besides taking care of some long overdue medical issues, I caught up on my facebook and twitter reading but most importantly, I've finally launched my new website:


My photography was unintentionally encroaching on this website's jerkiness so I finally decided to separate the two. Jerks & rapscallions form a line over here, travel photography fans over there... religious fanatics, you'll have to wait until early 2010 (www.DefaultingToMindlessFaithBasedExplanations.edu). On Daily Travel Photos, as the name implies, I'll release one new photo each day at 10pm Eastern Time. Your drooling promptly ensues at 10:01pm.

And although not yet implemented, I plan to slowly rewrite all of my award-winning thejerk.org content and I may even use proper punctuation and grammar this time. However, if you're expecting an overhaul of the site's juvenile humor, don't hold your breath. By rewriting/rewording my past stories, I hope to eliminate filth-seeking google referrals as identified by the top 10 keywords that arrived at thejerk.org:

  1. ferdinand marcos body

  2. the jerk

  3. assy nipples

  4. pedophile location

  5. marcos mausoleum

  6. pornreserves

  7. prostitute quiz

  8. prostitution around the world

  9. "around the world" prostitute

  10. around the world prostitution

I wish I could say this list of search terms is an attempt at humor but I regretfully inform you that this class of web-surfers is a large part of my audience. Where did I go so wrong? Or where did I go so right? And what the fark is a "pornreserves".

Diminishing alongside the size and girth of my cello scrotum, my visitor numbers have, too, shriveled proportionally during my extended absence. My initial attempts at recovering to former past glory will be to tidy what I already have and rebuild from the ground up. And thanks to a Chinaman I know, I've reorganized my site to adhere to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) standards which should help me catapult back up the ranks and beyond - if not simply to put me firmly on the SEO bandwagon that seems to be so corporate-trendy these times.

My very own Groundhog's Day hell is finally over, the weather here in India is perfect and the only direction my scrotal girth can take is up. At last, things are looking good.


Good luck out there Pius. I hope your visitors find the pornreserves they're looking for.

Oh, come on, I'm waiting for your new post. How are you?

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