« August 2006 | Main | October 2006 »
tell me, are they really that different? they both scratch at themselves inappropriately, have hairy backs and live in filthy surroundings. i wish it could be said that the difference lay in feces flinging... but regretfully, i can not.
macaque picking his ass
pickleboy picks his armpits
i categorically retract and correct all previous negative statements i've made about malaysia:
after 2 weeks enjoying the wild side of borneo, i've seen the light. borneo is borneo-rific! try not to read the previous statement too quickly, lest you care to misread 'borneo is boner-ific'.
were borneo its own country, it'd most closely resemble california (i.e. were california its own country). both have fauna endemic to itself, the most loveable in borneo being the orangutan which when literally translated from malay means 'man of the jungle that flings neither feces nor insults and has massive flanges on his face from time to time... and stuff'. sadly, deforestation by the evil palm oil plantations (sdn bhd) threatens the future of our ape overlords relatives as well as their less jovial jungle co-inhabitants.
additionally, in both 'countries', mongoloids run amock, particularly chinese and filipino immigrants. however, the bornean variety is unendingly more polite and well-groomed whereas the californian species are easier to mock based on their obesity and propensity to yell when they speak. also to their credit, the local chinese population in malaysia is heavily responsible for building borneo into an economic powerhouse (thejerk.org whole-heartedly believes man-breasted korean americans asians should rule the world, particularly if they don't reak of adobo or hock loogies throughout the day).
with an economy as strong as california's, neighboring immigrants (mainly mexicans, canadians and oregonians) flood illegally across its borders bringing me to my next point: every country has its mexico. borneo's mexico is both the philippines. similarly in europe, spain's mexico is morocco. and interestingly enough, mexico's mexico is nicaragua.
in conclusion, i guess what i'm trying to say is, for the love of orangutans, boycott palm oil, you hippy fruitcakes! you'd be surprised how many products contain the same palm oil that's making the world less cute, one baby orangutans at a time.
oh, and again, i apologize to the country of malaysia.
a concerned writer remarks:
http://tinyurl.com/f3vrdHey jerk, maybe you'll find that link helpful. Page through the "How to spot a jap" book for all
kinds of useful tips.
a concerned 'the jerk' responds:
i'm in a cubicled internet cafe in borneo with 7 open chat-windows full of young horny malaysians. hopefully at least half are women. for a variety of reasons i'm unable to read the jap(anese) site right now but the top 2 reasons that immediately come to mind have to do with a really slow internet connection and the inability to surf the net efficiently with one hand vigorously occupied.well really, only one reason... the frickin interweb is unbelievably slow in borneo! i tried to crack that site open but the images downloaded ever-so-slowly, like in the old days of ftp'ing porn over a 4800 baud modem. i.e. line by line. "we almost have a boob!" that first pamela anderson jpeg is forever seared into my brain. did i say pamela anderson? i meant lorenzo lamas.
the mildly strange thing is, i've actually seen this military video before and remember one helpful tip besides the obvious. the obvious one first: if the guy bombs you while your back is turned, he's a jap(anese). the less obvious one, the one which i'd have no experience with b/c i've never seen anyone other than myself naked is: when stripped down, the difference between a chinaman and a jap(anese) is a dense patch of short and curly pubic hair. apparently, the chinese have longer, wavy and more sparse pubic hair. i couldn't make this one up if i tried, people. i actually recall a diagram displaying 2 side by side comparisons. it's one of the first times i voluntarily saw an asian man pantsless... other than my uncle, joonhae during our annual korean new years celebrations. we never did learn to keep the soju locked up from that raging nudist.
in a jerry springer-esque attempt to rationalize and dissociate myself from my previous racists remarks, i feel i must say how amazingly kind and gentle the japanese are. and also how beautiful japanese women are. that's it for today. take care of yourselves and god bless. even the nips.
i've yet managed to jettison this proverbial (sweaty) monkey off my back. not once, not twice but thrice, i abandoned my travel partner at various rest stops and concessions stands in borneo but somehow he managed to reattach himself to me. during my failed initial attempt, a potted plant provided cover when his plane landed from his tokyo layover. needless to say, he discovered me cowering and in the initial stages of weeping onto my shortpants.
appropriately enough, the pickleboy had a layover in japan. after all, he's half japanese from his mom's side and half korean from his dad's side. it's one of the rare cases where 2 halves do not equal a whole. during one of our university biology courses, he personally attempted to impregnate a fetal pig on 3 non-consecutive occasions, permanently embalming his genitalia in the process. years later in medical school, with the same disappointing outcome, he failed again with a partially shorn guinea pig.
i've now resigned myself to his company for his entire 4 week vacation in malaysia. as a result, i'm obliged to travel at breakneck speed to accomodate the pickleboy's short travel experience away from the US&A. bear with me for a couple weeks as i hit full traveling stride. educational and/or humiliating stories ensue.
in the meantime, i devise new ways to free myself of the good MD while i ferret as much free medical advice as i possibly can, particularly concerning my pet interest: elective cosmetic surgery. and in case you are curious, no, you can't get it reattached if you change your mind. and no, overdoing it won't make you blind... in theory.
i'm extremely proud of myself right now and by golly you ought to feel the same. that lei-over pun popped into my head just seconds ago in essence, sparing you the physical aches caused by an abundance of crass puns not involving a colorful garland of flowers.
there are worse places to be lei'd-over (or is it lei-overed) say some but as far as i'm concerned, oahu, particularly waikiki ranks in the lower 10th percentile of places to be stuck for a day. it's 'spensive, local kids are punks and there are throngs of 'big-boned' americans and pasty japanese tourists mucking up the scenery (youthful japanese girls aside). worst of all i have to look forward to the impending loss of a day out of my life when i once again cross the international date line. i already feel the extra gray hairs coming in from being a day older. my hiatal hernia ain't feeling much better either. on a side note, as a kid, i erroneously thought crossing the international date line was when someone dated outside their race (e.g. 'damn, again fergie crossed the international date line but now with tyrone!').
if lei's are synonymous with hawaii, then old white men paying for young filipinas is synonymous with the philippines. during my 2 day manila lay-over (pun regretfully intended), i'm proud to say i didn't once eat a shred of filipino food. my previous 6 month tour took care of any curiosity i'd had about filipino cuisine... though i'd make an exception for kinilaw - a lemony raw fish dish possibly inspired by ceviche (or afterbirth?).
along with nuprin (aka pickleboy, yoobrad, joonshik) my next destination is borneo. i vow to proudly show any pictures captured of nuprin getting/giving hand relief from/to an orphaned male orangutan.
and now, enjoy a puffy cloud compliments of manila.
