i'm neither a husband nor do i play one on tv therefore i'm in the perfect situation to enter the southernmost island of mindanao (stay with me here). of the philippines' terrorist problems, most of them originate from the muslim extremists on mindanao. problems ranging from passenger ferry bombings to kidnappings for ransom. known terrorists groups include abu sayyaf and the moro islamic liberation front - more commonly known as "MILF". to attempt the most obvious joke, i haven't touched a girl since germany's helmut kohl administration so an encounter with a particularly attractive member of milf may give me a chance to "reset my clock" so to speak, to the G. Bush II administration.

on 6 non-consequtive occasions, i've been ejected from young republicans' meetings due to my sublime levels of jingoism and national pride, as well as my flawed logic and supercilious attitude. however, no muslim's gonna kidnap this red-blooded, NRA card carryin', weight-liftin', mcdonald's eatin' yankee! and who better to deploy travel into a muslim dominated area than me... because as we all know, those muslim asses certainly won't kick themselves.

my country tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee i sing...