i'm on the islands in the philippines in search of the perfect beach w/ reasonable prices and accomodations on or facing the beach. so far, i've found a few near hits but mostly high prices and old white men courting young filipinas.

these pictures won't be for everyone, beach enthusiasts mainly and those that desire my downfall and its accompanying schadenfreude. oh, and those that enjoy the harrassment of israelis named shlomo will enjoy these pictures too.

highlights include:

- beaches, dark sand
- beaches, light sand
- free 5 star accomodations at boracay beach
- beaches, brown sand
- boats (transportation between beaches)
- a shameless israeli named shlomo who enjoys beaches
- and a cavalcade of gorgeous women that'll have nothing to do with me especially at the beach

click here for pictures

for those keeping score:

islands visited: 13/7106
touched (girls): 0/231
touched (self): 325/324 (yes, it is possible)
time spent in phil.: 3 months

(luzon, mindoro, tablas, romblon, boracay, panay, guimaras, negros, bantayan, malapasqua, cebu, bohol, panglao)

Posted by thejerk at 02:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

it's well known that i'm a card carrying bigot. when i'm not quoting known racists such as hitler, mengale, and ghandi i'm plotting my takeover of one of the smallish baltic states to fill with swedish women and thai concubines. but my racist maxims and morals are easily malleable particularly when the right african enters my life.

introducing amanda, the most stunning black woman i've ever met. in my (vain) attempt to woo this nubian princess, i've adapted to the look she's accustomed to. well tanned from months on beaches, i have the skin color but there's one thing missing: tightly curled hair. it's time to get a perm.

if there's one thing i've learned from my various university degrees on courtship, it's that the foundations of any good relationship are based on one of dating parties (usually the man) to change everything about himself to suit the other.

alright, alright. i didn't do it for a girl. the swedish penis pump? well, that's another story. but as god intended, now that i'm black, i retain my right to speak in urban slang without fear of sounding like a wannabe.

the perm idea originally came to me when i mentioned to the jerks in bangkok that i'd consider doing this for shits and giggles. i needed a haircut anyway and since it was so cheap in cebu, i thought, why not. but this intended joke has gone horribly awry. instead of the ridicule i expected, i'm getting compliments from strangers while filipinos are approaching me and speaking cebuano (a local dialect) confusing me for a local. and without blowing my own horn, so to speak, i think my afro/do-rag combination looks pretty damn cool, bordering on new york city metrosexual... which i think is a good thing.

after years of envying curly hair, i realize though the grass definitely isn't greener on this side and i'm thankful for my straight untangled mop. sure it'll be fun for a little while but in the countless fist fights i've had with women, my advantage came from short unclutchable hair. the next cat-fight i get into, i'll be on level ground with my female combatant. i'm weak and flabby. i predict a quick and painful demise and an immediate return to my long gone days of short ungrabbable hair.

and incidentally, boy do i love being rejected by girls all the time. amanda, i love you. why won't you return my phone calls!?! i swear, i had no belt... my pants accidentally fell down! (sigh)

Posted by thejerk at 01:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

3 months in the philippines and i'm slowly adapting the unfortunate filipino english accent as well as their inability to use appropriate prepositions and plurals. god bless 'em though, these filipinos are probably some of the nicest people on earth but they pluralize words that absolutely don't need an added "s".

with that said, i'm on in an island called malapasqua eating mounds of shrimp and squid shrimps and squids. i'm certain the prepositions and plurals in the previous sentence are incorrect but it doesn't matter when seafoods is this cheaps!

i don't know much but one thing i know is that an overweight korean american with a propensity to ooze mcdonald's deep fryer grease from his pores probably shouldn't dive with sharks but the waters around malapasqua (translated from espanol: bad christmas) are teeming with larger than life creatures so i'll ignore my cautious side and see if i can get myself dismembered and/or dead.

it's never too late to learn how to muff scuba dive. i dislike nearly all things nature. you've seen one mountain, you've seen them all, i always say. likewise, you've kicked one dog, you've kicked them all or you've seen one coral reef, you've seen them all. but the chance to swim with sharks comes around only once in a lifetime so i've plunked down US$300 for scuba lessons to see if i can wrestle one of these gorgeous 3-8 meter (9-24 feet) thresher sharks with my bare hands and manage to yank a tooth from its mouth. and in case you're curious, yes i do have a nickname for my penis, "the apprentice"... wait, i meant, yes i do have my will prepared. i leave everything to my pet hamster, homer without whom i'd know only a fraction about sex than i do now.

and without further ado, the reason i began this seemingly unending entry: the scuba hand signals i've had to learn. this won't be humorous to all, just to the divers with perverted minds. i take that back because i just reread my annotated comments, this won't be humorous at all so go find some other enriching activity and never return to this site. but paypal me money because i'm poor.

click to see anotated flickr version

click to see anotated flickr version

Posted by thejerk at 01:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

just bear with me here, i'm going into keytosis from the unbelievable amounts of meat and seafood i'm consuming on the islands. as a result the old noodle ain't behaving so properly. for those of you that don't quite understand the following blog, it's more of an inside joke than anything else. with that said, "joke" implies humor and i'd say it was funny when i thought of it - kinda that, you had to be there sorta joke. but additionally, maybe the keytosis is effecting my mind. thanks for nuttin', atkins. i'll have my revenge! what? he is? i retract my statement about the late dr. atkins. through your technique, i've shed many pounds while increasing my cholesterol level 4 fold. damn you atkins, damn you!
i was heading to an island called Negros. at the ticket office, i was asked which destination i wanted, negros island or cebu island?

after waiting a week to rattle off this joke, with a snap of my finger and side to side tilt of my head, i finally yelled out, "negros, please!"

i nearly let out a morsel of urine at the anticipation of such a question and weeks of patience has finally borne a bit of internal chuckling by me and me alone. party of one!

in marginally related news, heading to "bad christmas" (malapasqua) island next.

Posted by thejerk at 02:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

...5 skin grafts in four months and one prosthetic leg later, I was mobile again. sorry to burden you with that sobering tale of prostitutes gone wild. anyway, something more uplifting:

for those keeping score at home, i'm sure you want to know what characteristics constitute the perfect beach. well unbunch your panties because you no longer have to wait. in order of importance:

• clean white sand
• clear warm waters
• no obstructions between bungalow and the ocean
• availability of diet coke, ice/brewed coffee
• broadband internet cafes
• electricity (see above: internet cafes)
• tasty non-filipino food (redundant, i know)
• YOUNG ladies! (said in jerry lewis voice)
• audible lack of karaoke and its bastard cousin, videoke
• Young LADIES! HELLO!
• no israelis running around in their underwear (see image below)

on bantayan island, in a tiny town called santa fe, i've found a close resemblance to this paradise beach. glaringly omitted are diet coke and brewed coffee but so far the Budyong Beach Resort is the clear leader in beachiness and as close to my ideals that i've seen in the philippines so far.

you have to excuse the israeli sack. 2 months away from his beloved palestinian neighbors has made him a bit loopy. i'll deliver a "knesset death knell" in the name of thejerk fanbase.

now time to search out some YOUNG type LADIES!

Posted by thejerk at 02:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

it's well known that when i'm not reading Hume and quoting Shakespeare or putting the smackdown on heresy, i'm on a desperate hunt for "morally loose" women that exchange bodily fluids for piddling amounts of currency.

for those not familiar with the euphemism, "bar-girl", think desperate young asian girl and perverted old westerner using each other as a sort of "escape". keep in mind, the philippines, for the most part, is poor and full of dead-beat filipino dads who have an inclination to scram once the "indicator turns pink". combined with a brainwashed devoutly catholic country that's outlawed abortion, the streets are teeming with eligible women that once impregnated, are widely considered "past their expiration date" so to speak. enter elderly westerners socially conditioned to be unconcerned with once-knocked-up ladies and you've got yourself a perfect marriage only the gods - and bankruptcy - can undermine. it just so happens that the two species tend to meet at seedy girly bars and the first "rendezvous" is generally determined by the size of the westerner's bank account or a crisp $20 bill.

click on picture to see more, damn you!

and for those of you that frown upon my overuse of the double quotes, you should see me speak in person. i finger quote at a rate of once ever 3 seconds. for example, whenever i say, you can "suck it" or the many immature references to double entendres that make up the majority of my conversations.

Posted by thejerk at 02:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

check it, negros. pennis of the taipei yangs, that god of all things meat helmet, has opened up a world of new comedy involving flickr.com's "add note" function of their picture hosting site. prepare to see a lot more flickr based "anatomy of ____" in the future. sure he's from a renegade republic but nevertheless, god bless the taiwanese and the inappropriately long hairs sprouting out of their moles.

so you wanna be an indolent sack of protoplasm just like me? the annotated picture (hosted on flickr.com) teaches you the qualities you'll need to emulate the master of doing nothing... man-breasts optional.
click me!!!

Posted by thejerk at 02:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

it pays handsomely to be this talented and to own an extremely large pair of permanently engorged buttocks. it also pays to travel with an israeli sack who can secure laboriously won deals at 5 star resorts. but i have an inkling he unintentionally compromised himself and/or his morals to the local filipino workers to finalize the transaction. at least that's what his bloody face and shredded underwear implied to me. there also seems to be evidence he may have unleashed the israeli "knesset death knell," something Lior picked up during his compulsory israeli army service. nonetheless, i've yet again leached off the hard work of others to make a reality, my dream of effortlessly clawing my way up the social ladder.

to make a long story short, we went out to a bar, met a group of american medical volunteers staying at Friday's Boracay Resort... yada yada yada... then mopped up the "accident" next to the toilet... yada yada yada... now i'm staying in an unoccupied room at Friday's and underwearless pantsless nearly 80% of the time.

Friday's Boracay is a swanky, upscale joint located towards the upper end of Boracay's White Beach, where classy people like me rightfully belong. to occupy the upper echelons of the social elite is a blood right that came the instant i muddled thru an examination and was sworn in as an american citizen. damn right i deserve my self-righteous freedom and the right, no, the duty to grow obese at an exponential rate; i took a test!

sure, the 2 days spent at Fridays cost, in incidentals, nearly double what we were paying elsewhere but who can say no to a 750 pesos (US$ 14) sushi buffet that's A.Y.C.E.S (all you can eat, sucka!). but take it from me, filling your stomach full of 4 plates of sushi, 2 plates of western fare and 3 cakes, 4 plates of mangos and 3 coffees for dessert may sound tempting but you'll pay for it tenfold in glorious discomfort and noxious anal emissions (aka "fun clouds").

did i mention the free wireless internet that comes with a paid free stay at the resort. after 2 days though, all i had to show for my boracay visit was crusty dribble of gravy on my chin and countless crumbs covering nearly my entire laptop. well that and over 3GB of newly downloaded pornography. thank you Fridays Boracay. (tear rolling down my cheek... sniffling) thank you.

that's wendi from SF, part of the volunteering crew. she hates jews and korean americans. so do i, my friend. so do i.

Posted by thejerk at 01:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

nuts to me! i knew i should've done this perving in manila's upper class malls. there's nothing like exploiting incredibly wealthy girls that'd never talk to me anyway.

it's low season so the pickings were slim on boracay. i even included a chinese guy for joann s.' insatiable appetite for sino-filipino pornography. due to users' requests, the pictures now come to you in high resolution. but chances are you would've prefered low res. you'll know what i'm talking about after you see the pics. anyway, men, rev' your engines, it's perv-time. time to take my pants off... i'm outta here.

enjoy!

Posted by thejerk at 01:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

aside from the forced Billy Madison reference, i suppose it'd be wise to describe wtf a "boracay" is for those of you not in the know. 2 months in the philippines and nearly every filipino i've met asked if i'd been to boracay island. turns out, boracay is the island paradise touted as the philippines' premiere destination, kinda like the phuket of thailand. oh, you haven't been to thailand? perhaps a better analogy is the hawaii of america. oh, you haven't been to hawaii either. let's try, the jersey shore of new jersey minus the wife-beatered guidos. if you're not familiar with the jersey shore, i won't bother attempting to compare boracay with the bed of thejerk's bedroom.

despite it's self-declared reputation as the best beach in the world, i've found an over-touristed, over-developed, over-hyped, over-koreanified island which otherwise would be a slightly above average beach in my esteemed opinion. considering i'm a well-traveled beach connoisseur, you'd be out of your skull to disregard my erudite perspectives on beaches and furthermore, life as we know it.

regardless, i came to boracay not because of, but in spite of its reputation. if i'd skipped it, it'd be like going to china and not visiting the great wall or avoiding the famed ping pong ball shows spread around the greater bangkok metropolitan area. don't get me wrong, it's a fine beach with good, not great, sand but the reputation and lack of visible prostitution brings it down a few notches.

unfortunately, for most island stories like boracay, there are stories of the disaffected natives huddled together at night begging for change and discriminated against for the color of their dark skin and tightly curled hair. the seedy underbelly of boracay is a tale of the original inhabitants swept aside in the name of progress and tourism... which would normally be fine with me but to squeeze out the natives and force in faux-western establishments with true-western prices is an outrage; immediately after i check out of my 5-star hotel, my mission in the philippines will be to besmirch the overrated reputation of both boracay and my arch-enemy, the equally overrated ipod. and while i'm at it, i'll do a number on the ubiquitous cargo pants worn by the youth of today.

Posted by thejerk at 04:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

as bad luck would have it, on the boat departing mainland luzon, i met a near duplicate of the chunky sack minus the face/back/chest/breast/neck sweating during dinner. introductions were exchanged and have been traveling together ever since.

introducing, Lior, the israeli infidel. frankly, in the 2 weeks i've traveled with him, i've never seen as much bacon, pork chop and seafood consumption out of a jew since the chunky sack and i during our 4th and 7th annual collegiate Sizzler eating competition. forget the fact that both Lior and the chunky sack's Yom Kippur tradition is to eat a slab of sweaty pork chop (with milk), their proportions are also nearly identical right down to the superfluous testicle tucked behind their miniature scrotums. did i mention both are descendants of polish jews and 90% covered in body/back/anus hair? (don't ask how i know, and i won't tell you)

in case y'all aren't up with your world religions, it's pretty ricockulous for a jewish person to eat pork and shellfish as declared by some holy book somewhere. and because it's in print, like this blog, it's gotta be true. so when god strikes him down, i have no choice but to lay claim to all of his electronic equipment and jettison the rest of his bag into the sulu sea. hey, don't be hatin'... i'm just one of god's workers dutifully fulfilling his request. the request to horde all unclaimed electronics.

Posted by thejerk at 04:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

you leave the country for a couple of years and your friends at home begin behaving like a group of uninhibited metrosexuals.

why is the chunky sack (white shirt) wearing a bra in the following picture?

a) his sagging man-boobs require extra support after 30 years of self-defilement
b) he's finally outing himself as transgender/transexual/lesbian/man-whore/communist
c) accompanied by dietary restrictions, he's discovered Hollywood's new "in" religion, Kaballah

• didn't korby (background) leave 629 elizabeth for more concrete NYC pastures years ago? the past 4 groups of pictures i've seen places him consistently on the west coast and his love of bleeding heart liberals


• paul m.'s (right) tight spandex shirt leaves nothing to the imagination, especially his Polish beer gut and lack of taste in synthetic fibers.


• chunky sack's mustache makes me question my heterosexuality and faith in the existence of a god... or makes me wanna bust out with a stirring rendition of "it's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A"

on a slightly non-heterosexual note, the chunky sack looks like he's shed a few pounds. depression or pain-killer addiction?... discuss.

Posted by thejerk at 04:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Large condoms for S African men A range of extra-large condoms has been launched in South Africa, to cater for "well-endowed" men.

S Korean dies after games sessionA South Korean man has died after reportedly playing an online computer game for 50 hours with few breaks.

Mascots Facing a Ban (nytimes requires registration)The N.C.A.A. exempted Florida State from a ban against using Indian mascots in the postseason after an appeal by the university and the Seminole Nation

... sorry, i needed a moment. okay, anyway. no statement yet released from animal groups protesting college nicknames including the georgia bulldogs or arcadia university cockerels (previously known as beaver college, fittingly a formerly all women's college).

Posted by thejerk at 06:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

on the west coast of the United States, it's -8 hours from GMT while at the exact same time, in the philippines, +8 GMT. these are facts as widely recognized by world-renowned intelligentsia as the tufts of gray hairs growing out of my ears, butt-crack and chode. but for some reason, all filipinos have agreed to be +8:15 GMT. it's a clear violation of both the geneva convention and oslo accords (maybe even tack on the kyoto protocol too).

it's like a well-planned inside joke that only foreigners aren't in on. ask anyone here the time and i assure you it's about 10-15 minutes ahead of the accepted international standard. despite wearing my own watch, at least thrice a day, i ask a stranger the time and i consistently receive +15 minute replies. i know my watch is spot on. i've checked it against one of those internet atomic watches as well as my laptop's clock that syncs up with satellites operated by incredibly intelligent on-board space monkeys. or russians. one of the two.

it's like a parallel universe or perhaps a vortex (if you will) in the philippines. "native" filipino english speakers have difficulty communicating with american english speakers. i blame the local school system here for training people exclusively for employment in foreign countries in either nursing or airport security. or maybe the inability to communicate is because i'm not the briniest pickle in the jar. or conversely, it's due to the fact that these people are way ahead of their time. 15 minutes ahead to be exact.

every day i realize how strange this place is. maybe it's me. maybe i expect certain things out of a country that's so americanized that it has taco bells and doritos - found nowhere else outside the US except maybe US military bases. but i'm not here to blame myself. i'm here to point fingers because it's the american, and therefore, the only way.

.:: update ::.

because of the doubting kenichi of cryptically named, "then is he kawas.com" fame, i prepared additional material to further support my case.

not that this picture really proves that much, especially if you don't believe that i'm an upstanding citizen with the highest of morals. but i'll give it a try anyway... for shits' and giggles' sake.

sure i've milked the social security system for millions and lied to nuns to see them nude but i haven't doctored anything about this photo. that's my watch and a clock found on the wall of a bar in iloilo city in panay island. the advanced time you see here is the rule, not the exception in all the philippines.

Posted by thejerk at 06:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)