« well i, for one think it's about time... | Main | more on some perfect weenies »

from the land of dikes & windmills: hatemail

i'm doing something right... i'm getting foreign hate mail! she seems to genuinely dislike me and the rich content of travel stories i provide. read between the lines and you see her latent sexual attraction and desperate request to molest my hairy bean bag. i mean it, she really seems to have taken the otherwise innocuous thejerk.org to be personally offensive! what a kook!

today marks the first of hopefully many outraged "fans" attempting to lash out at me with childish and poorly worded insults as well as sophomoric psych 101 mental evaluations. look, i was raised by a pack of wild dingos so your words only offer comfort from a childhood of neglectful latchkey parenting (because it's well known that dingos work all night leaving the kids at home alone) and an adolesence marked by the stigma of being a social pariah all through grades K-12.

her email (including header - note the .fr french domain):

From: "Leila XXXXX" xxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.fr
To: thejerk@thejerk.org
Subject: jerk jerk jerk

You ARE a jerk. What's the point of travelling if it's only to insult
the local cultures and people??? You must be a pathetic little man who
needs to attract some attention to his insignificant self. The fact that you have only unpleasant things to say about a country, shows a high level of ignorance and anger (probably a small penis and erection problems). asian people are losers.

ok ok, i added the bit about asian people but the rest is authentic.

this is my reply email to her which if i've worded it correctly will start a protracted email war which will ultimately end in IM cyber sex. on a related note, it's a well known fact that arguing on the internet is like special olympics: no matter who wins or loses, you're still a retard. so step your clogs up, missy and put up your dukes because i'm coming out swinging.

you just wanna see me naked... wish granted. see attached jpg file. gotta warn you, it's a big file. my man boobs take up quite a bit of space. don't mind the circus clown and wheelchaired guy i'm sandwiched in between. they're "just friends (i.e. guys i met on an all night glue sniffing bender)."

way to spew forth worn cliches. it's surprising you didn't advise me to travel to learn new things and meet interesting people. get off yourself. your feeble attempts show brainpower just strong enough to power your cocoa colored double donger vibrator. that pain you got when you wrote your unwarranted and uninformed hate mail is a result of "thinking" too hard. try to rest more in between generating your insightful observations and next time, actually read the content and you'll find it really insults local cultures very little you fortified assclown lukewarm dingleberry upwind poobag fortified assclown.

---"small penis and erection problems"--- you're right on both counts although i wouldn't consider having an all day hard-on necessarily a problem, unless of course it's sunday mass and your mom catches you with wood during communion. now that's embarrassing but endearing in a thirteen year old boyish sorta way (except replace the word "thirteen" with 28 and "boyish" with "boy-scoutish").

oh and when you're trying to cover up your identity like a coward by using a hotmail.fr account, you may not want to email me from an amsterdam IP address. good attempt because your hatred and inner rage nearly made me believe you were french. next time, throw in some incorrect english and a few references to surrendering and you'd gain a bit more credibility.

and as a special treat for being my first hate mail, i've automatically subscribed you to my blog and photo notifications (as well as several hundred kiddie porn websites - and no, i didn't have them bookmarked. well not all of them. ok, all of them, i hate you for knowing). there's no need to thank me. your miserable life is thanks enough.

warmest regards,

the jerk


for the record, i welcome all emails, from half-hearted praise (mainly reserved for family and friends) to death threats. wait, don't send me death threats, i'm a bit sensitive ever since i made Santa Claus' hit list for writing how i disliked the "hand stitched" socks in 1993. from then on, every christmas is a new adventure finding another hiding spot where the elves won't find me shivering and weeping and beat me to a bloody pulp. i suppose, if i were that little and forced to wear tights, i'd be angry too.

Comments

I still love ya Pi.
But not in the Boy Scout way.

Maybe you should go to Amsterdam and hang out with your new fan. Of course, "she" is probably a 45 year old guy with man boobs bigger than yours.

"Worst episode EVER!"

Nice work bro, that's comedy gold!

I wonder how she stumbled across your Blog of Depravity, or whatever you're calling it these days?

Keep up the good work Pi (and the vitriol!)

C.

Post a comment


    (After posting, refresh the page to see your comment.)