tsunami alert!

we were awoken at midnight on March 28th and told in broken english that a tsunami warning was in effect. another earthquake had just struck the same area near indonesia as before. what from bangkok would have appeared comical turned painfully real now that we were staying directly on the western beach on koh lanta in thailand, an island that was partially demolished by the december 26th tsunami. after soiling myself, i grabbed most of my belongings and boarded the bed of a pickup truck where i was joined by harish, the chunky sack, and the syrian nightmare, promptly after they too finished soiling themselves. atop the hill, we nervously awaited our fate without access to any information about the new tsunami. in the meantime, as we later discovered, a looter was robbing the syrian nightmare of a pair of shorts he'd hung out to dry on our porch. ironically, the joke is on the burglar. those were drying as a result of a thorough bout of explosive diarrhea that desecrated the now unholy shorts rendering them diseased and unspeakably filthy.

if reality television had taught me anything, it was that i knew i had a duty to save lives. i tried to rescue as many children and animals as possible but i was overloaded with diet coke looted from the resort gift-shop so i chose the lightest child with a half-empty backpack (for extra diet coke storage) and escorted (although the local authorities later labeled it "kidnapped") him up the hill.

as we waited atop this hill, our resort, god bless them, generously provided us sheets, water, and food. i can't say it was a completely unpleasant experience. both the resort's treatment and great weather helped temper our anxiety as we waited for the tsunami to wreak havoc on our rooms and my freshly washed laundry drying inside.

like i said, it wasn't completely unpleasant, which necessarily leaves a sizable margin of space for complaints: mainly that the company was terrible. harish, in melodramatic hero mode, began commanding all resort guests away from windows and sharp objects. as you would expect, no one listened and to the joy of the crowd, the toddler of a norwegian couple yelled english insults at harish. those scandinavians are amazing: so good at english! on the other hand, the chunky sack disappeared immediately upon arriving on the hill. it was later discovered that he'd eaten most of the 3 day rations for 45 people and upon being discovered red handed, a chicken leg in one hand and mouthful of potato chips, he shamelessly garbled out the words, "it wasn't me!" the syrian nightmare... well let's just say he did little more than ball up into the fetal position and mouth what i barely understood to be "allah u akbar" until he finally fell asleep nestling an over-ripened pineapple in his moist crotch. he later informed us without a hint of irony, he'd put a jihad on the tsunami that he claimed had put a jihad on us.

the entire thing turned out to be a dud in thailand (although a few thousand people died in sumatra). we were allowed back into our rooms a few hours later but the piercing stares of the resort patrons the following morning revealed our new low standing in the eyes of everyone. we were the local pariahs... as if we didn't know our place in this world already. the syrian nightmare's shorts are still missing. if found, contact [email protected]

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