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the jerks (in thailand)

during a time of particularly heavy suffering at the hands of syphillitic gonorhea, i extended an invitation to all the friends i have in the world to join me traveling. when both of them disrespectfully declined my offer, i decided to ask the california ass-clown contingent to join me in Bangkok for a 2 week stint. this is the roster i've acquired, for better or for worse:

  • 5'10" (5'4" immediately after a haircut)
  • left-handed (often known to masturbate right-handed in order to get the unfamiliar sensation of "a stranger")
  • genuine, friendly, sympathetic, hairless back and inner thigh, hygiene above reproach - these are words and phrases not once ever uttered about "Bassam" the arabic anachronism.
  • turn-ons: long walks on the beach, fluffy kittens, full frontal nudity, suicide car bombings, pederasts
  • turn-offs: fully clothed women, any noun turned into a verb (e.g. "lunching" or "summering"), kicks in the testicles

  • 5'3", 323 pounds the last time he'd measured himself at a truck stop weigh-in. his bodily measurements are coincidentally the precise match to a perfect sphere possessing a 2'7" radius.
  • known to boil a 10 minute egg in under 2 1/2 minutes, his greatest accomplishment to date is a wedding ceremony he performed in which he wed his pet rock to his 10 year old collection of used tissues.
  • someone that's proven without a doubt that a man can be virile and masculine while possessing ambiguous genitalia.

  • 5'6", hovers between 150-231 pounds depending on the inflamation of his genital goiter. he has the audacity to shamelessly pass that monstrosity off as one of his testicles. like we believe god's blessed you with one unspeakably large testicle and left the other one as shriveled as a baby raisin.
  • sure his english isn't perfect, nor his afghani but i'll be the first to admit, when you need advice on a sphincter problem, he's the "go to" guy. his impressive resume of diseases is not limited to his "ring of fire" but engulfs his entire halfling body depending on the bangladeshi monsoon and ebb of its coastal high tide.
  • as a hunter and gatherer, he uses the skills he's acquired from the jungles of his suburban backyard (in milpitas, california), to provide dietary supplements of garden ants and rotten fallen sour apples. but be not alarmed of his lepresy for his gathering chores are performed with his prehensile butt cheeks while his well stocked medicine cabinet surely holds a remedy for whatever ailment you've acquired from him
  • still, at the age of 30, resides with his parents

only after these 3 depart thailand will the local tourism statistics show my hypothesized increased consumption of bangkok prostitution and as a result an impact on the sales of antibiotics and anti-inflamatory salves. conversely, the californian sales of zoloft and glue-sniffing induced crimes will surely suffer. by how much, only time will tell.

what have i done... may lord vishnu have mercy on our souls.

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