Vietnam is a touristic hellhole that has little in common in terms of the allure of its 3 direct neighbors. readily available package tours, english menus and tourist buses make travel convenient and comfortable and therefore, necessarily alien to me. it robs me of the reward of journeying w/ english-lacking locals and the adventurous feeling of exploring a challenging new land.

despite warnings to the contrary, i found the Vietnamers friendly and held no grudge against Americans for our former atrocities. the modern nature of a place like Vietnam (as indicated by the wide availability of diet coke) is unwelcome in my travels. i want poverty, dirt roads, cheap hookers and hardship (these last 2 go hand in hand). these hold my interest more than comfortable tourist buses and kentucky friend chicken. actually, i take that back about KFC, it's one of the few good things in Vietnam - so is diet coke.

all travelers i've met tell me legendary tales of Laos and my expectations are heightened. i'll get the dirt roads but in addition, opium addiction, and apparently unbelievably friendly locals who help backpackers get addicted to opium. breast feeding in public is the norm. perhaps, i'll learn enough of the language to ask, "is one going spare?" or "i'm quite thirsty, i wish i had some milk."

to kick the entire journey off, i'll exit Vietnam at a border crossing not mentioned in any of the major travel guides. then i'm in a part of Laos that's least been imprinted by the Nike Airs of fat westernerers - joy! my only problem is, there's very little information pertaining to this region. death and/or dismemberment is a possibility. getting sold into prostitution is not beyond the realm of disbelief and my lady-like man-boobs don't help in fighting the temptation of sex kidnappers. i can only hope the diseases i've acquired through my travels serves as enough of a deterrent.

if no word appears on my thejerk.org following my entry into Laos, assume i'm in the bonds of sex slavery and someone keep the heat in my apartment to a steady 70 degrees F, just in case i "earn" my way out of the Laotian jungle.