August 27, 2008

and speaking of under-16...

who's cuter than a bug's ear?

pocket silver medalist, shawn johnson

oh yes she is. isn't she. yes she is.

watch the following video and i'm confident you'll agree she's the cutest olympian since Atlanta/Sydney games Bulgarian weightlifter and 2 1/2 pack-a-day smoker, pocket hercules.

watch the video after the jump

Continue reading "and speaking of under-16..."

Posted by thejerk at 11:41 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

August 27, 2008

future career?

she's at it again!

(www.mcclatchydc.com)

absolute genius. my hat's off to the chinese butt fondler. it's the perfect situation for vengeanceless grab ass, really. you're in front of millions on international television. in the spotlight, your victim has little recourse but to endure a tender caress lest she make a dramatic scene that has international incident written all over it. check... no check mate.

that decides it; from this day forward, i train day and night to be a top ranked female beach volleyball olympian. (anyone know of under-16 tournaments in the greater metropolitan San Francisco bay area?)

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August 25, 2008

olympics over at last (verdict: das ist wedgi-licious)

that means one thing and one thing only. you people can get back to a normal masturbation schedule. that is, you'll no longer be tempted by olympic women's volleyball (beach or indoor) or the underaged girls in gymnastics (which you should be ashamed of) to pull down your shortpants and risk blindness once again. in other words, the completion of the olympic games leaves you masturbating far less, no matter how much you imagine gymnast Alicia Sacramone using your pasty overweight body as a her personal balance beam.

i'm a well known humanitarian and a man whose heart yearns to save dolphins and end all suffering in the world. with that in mind, i'm generous enough to leave you with some images from the olympic games (from the perspective of those incorrigible germans):

http://www.stern.de/olympia2008/fotostrecken/:Fotostrecke-Die-Bilder-Spiele/634192.html?cp=29

if perverted photography were an olympic event, the germans would easily take home the gold and platinum. is there a country that loves an olympic wedgie more than the germans? i know not, my friends. i know not.

(nbcolympics.com)

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August 18, 2008

welcome a new exhibition sport to the 2008 Olympics

if you're as sick as i am of hearing the feminine shrills of NBC's announcers covering the phelps record breaking attempt or you're fed up with useless olympic sports (we're talking to you trampoline and equestrian or any other sport whose final scores are derived from the opinions of a panel of elderly international judges), then help me welcome the greatest ever combat sport. unfortunately, it's relegated to exhibition status at this year's olympics but if i know the international olympic committee (IOC) as well as i think i do, the sport will swiftly be sanctioned into the olympics by 2012, 2010 if the gods answer my prayers.

it behooves the IOC to help combat olympics apathy and bring dignity back to the olympics... allow bear boxing w/ sexy ring card chimpanzees.

i hear the collective (drooling) masses already chanting:
let them play... let them play... let them play.

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August 15, 2008

li'l mike

finally i hauled my overweight carcass out of my house to say hi to my friend, Zuad and her fat li'l man. And while i was over there, i said hi to the baby too. so many overweight Mike's (father, Mike sr. and baby, Mike jr.) under a single roof, one wonders how Zuad deals with the stereo crying and nightly diaper changes, on either jr. or sr.... take your pick.

and here's arguably the cuter of the mikes (certainly the sexier of the two) watching television:

on a side note, that thar's the greatest tv show ever! Wednesdays NBC @ 4:30pm: "Mr. Sack Grabber" (all rights reserved).

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August 13, 2008

get rich quick: trumped up lawsuits for all (verdict: a necessary break from the 08 'lympics)

lord knows i can use some quick scam to replenish my cash reserves to continue a life of international travel and disease-free prostitutes. after 5 years of globetrotting, the balance in my bank account is as low as the count of sperm in my under-utilized genitalia but as of this morning, things are looking up:

http://www.whocanisue.com/
http://www.sueeasy.com/
http://www.legalmatch.com/

like an internet dating service, these websites match up the desperate (e.g. me) with litigious scavengers of the western world. it's kinda like match.com for the (more) morally bankrupt. the websites allow you to post how you were nominally wronged and a lawyer presumably responds with a dollar amount attainable for the perceived tort.

reflecting carefully, i fear that maybe the terrorists are right after all and i'm starting to see their perspective. i'm however, working overtime with a slew of other holy wars to devote any energy to this one. one jihad at a time, please. on second thought, i need the fast cash and i'm through turning tricks in San Francisco's colorfully named, "tenderloin" district. lawsuit me, my good man and nuts to terrorism, for now.

now leave me alone so i can continue to trawl these "law" websites for any class action lawsuits i can hone in on. failing this, my only recourse is to stop traveling and hire prostitutes overflowing with disease.

thejerk legal advice: wear a neck-brace and you win every time, either in a court of law or more importantly, the court of comedy.

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August 09, 2008

weightlifting preview

the world's greatest clean and jerkers, fresh off their unpaid leave from FedEx have converged in Beijing carrying not only their freshly pressed spandex tights but also an international mandate to declare who among them is the strongest athlete on earth. this year it's time to put human rights violations and an unlawful invasion of Tibet on hold for 2 weeks because by god, it must be determined who can lift the largest quantity of metal over his/her head.

who to watch for? my phD's in off-track sports betting along with a healthy mix of experience allows me to unequivocally predict one thing about the women's clean and jerk competition: the gods do not permit a heterosexual winner. this fact alone prevents a relatively attractive USA's Melanie Roach from successfully competing against her less heterosexual counterparts. keep your eyes and ears peeled for the following competitors:

Korean, Jang Mi-Ran - a lot of Galbi was required to build this woman. and it'll take a lot more to take her down.
Russian, Oxana Slivenko - little is known about this powerhouse of the Soviet school of jerking and cleaning.
USA, Cheryl Haworth - America's belated answer to the Great Wall of China.

on the men's side, i'm known to choose the competitor with the thickest mustache and a nickname that starts with "pocket". historically however, the greatest clean and jerkers have an annoying variety of c's, Z's and V's sprinkled in their names. logically this points us in the direction of eastern europe or central asia where science has proven a strong correlation between unusually high boredom levels that make lifting increasingly heavy objects an attractive alternative to doing anything other than lifting increasingly heavy objects.

keep your eyes on:

Polish, Grzegorz Kleszcz - with this number of c's, z's and more z's, this guy's a shoe-in for the gold! did i say gold? i meant a foot long ham sandwich.
Russian, Andrei Rybakov - or as he's more intimately known: "Rybbi"
Bulgarian, Velichoko Cholakov - aka, "the cholo"

and let's not forget our emotional favorite:
Baeyoung Lee - the korean 'pocket hercules' (if i may)

at the end of the day, it's not about winners and losers. simply to compete in the presence of such physically honed olympic athletes is enough to inspire anyone with awe:

(Olympic athletes - nbcolympics.com)

Continue reading "weightlifting preview"

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